thoughts and shit

october 6th 14:18

don't worry, i'm not 'mentioning you in a suicide note' again. if you don't want to read this, don't. i have written here for over a year and i'm sure as hell not going to let you take it away from me. so i'll say it again;

if you don't want to read this, don't.

you're making it much easier this time, c. you're making it easier for me to distance myself from you and lose any emotions i had toward you. you're a different person to who you were last year, it may just be with me, i hope it is; for your sake.

trying to have a conversation with you is like speaking with a brick wall; when will you let down the facade?

you joked the other day about one of my entries, about how it's different being mentioned in an instagram comment and a suicide note. what the fuck made you think that was a good joke to make? i swear, it felt as though in that moment my heart completely switched off. i wasn't hurt at that moment, just taken aback. then it hurt.

you talk to people about things that make their way back to me. whether what you said is true or a rumour, i really don't know anymore. i was told that if i wasn't going to have sex with you, you weren't really interested in being friends with me. if that's true then, great. just tell me and i'll be on my way.

i realised not too long ago that what i craved this last year was what we had between us. it was the memories and the feelings i had back then. i still have the screen shots from your italian messages. they used to be the only things bringing me comfort. my heart still hurts when i think of us last year because it was just; peaceful. i'm already starting to cry thinking about it - i know we can't ever have that back. i feel like such a fool believing that you truly wanted to be friends again. you won't look at me in public, you won't even follow me on instagram - that's not friends.

i'm so sick and tired and angry with everything. why can't you just be honest with me? surely you can do that.

things need to change. i can't carry on like this, if you have chosen to read this - great. congrats. feel free to crack jokes again. i simply can't wait to hear them.

i don't know where to go from here. m.