thoughts and shit

april 17th 21:18

would you have taken photos of me? on our first holiday abroad alone, would you have wanted to photograph everything just as i did? he didn't. it's so petty, stupid, but i sat in the chapel and watched people take photos of/ with their SO and felt so abnormal. i took so many photos of him at every point i could, at every place i could; then he wondered off to look at other things. it would have been nice to have him take a photo of me to show his family, to use as his lock screen, anything. would you have done that?

that night we filmed in the restaurant, i wanted nothing more than to hold you. i stood by the toilets where no one could see me, i just needed a moment to get myself together because it hurt so bad. you came down and made sure i was okay and did what you did that day with ollie. when you kept telling him to wait whilst you talked to me because you didn't want to leave. you tried staying i think, it seemed like you were doing the same thing. then i sat outside while you filmed, i was there for 15 minutes and cried. it was cold and i got some strange looks but i had to get out. i went back in and you were right there. you looked concerned and asked me where i was. you laughed a bit and told me you were worried. i know you told kelly that none of that happened but i remember.

i phoned you on the sunday night that we filmed at the village hall, you picked up straight away and knew who i was without me talking - do you still have my number saved? you probably forgot about it but for a second, i felt so happy.

it's been 6 months. i miss you and i love you. still. i'm sorry i made you hate me, i'm sorry. m