What Do You Want From Me?

The Safe Place

Mu lunges burn as I continue to sprint up the mountainside, the arches of my feet ache from all the sliding along with the ice caps, my calves are on fire from all the uphill exertion, but I can't stop running. My mind is filled with awful ideas that I refuse to act upon. I clench my fists over and over again as I force away the thoughts that are taking over my mind. 

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The mountains have always been my happy place, ever since I was a small child. My parents always visited my uncle during the summer months in his cabin up on the ridge, near the edges of the Cascade Mountain Range. Whenever life became rough, whenever the blow of the fist was too much, I would run off into the mountains. From the beginning of that pattern to now that is where I leave my problems, in the mountains. 

The first time I ran away I just wanted to get somewhere where he couldn't find me. I remember the satisfaction of feeling the cooler air take over me, almost as if I was running away into a portal. My nerves would settle and all I would eventually hear were the heavy pounding of my feet as I ran away from the yelling behind me, left behind in the warm portal of reality below the mountains. 

The cool air would cleanse my lunges and keep me cool for the long run up and up until I reached the middle of the current peak I was near. I always liked the idea of being in a large open area, but still enclosed in an envelope of privacy so I would wander and wander until I found a small opening in a set of two trees, almost too close together for me to enter through. 

I could feel the stabbing and pushing of the branches as I forced myself through the opening of the trees, but I didn't care, I had to know what was on the other side. I was amazed by the beauty that was so hidden from the world, just simple held away by these two large trees. The sky was a crystal blue, the large lake that sat below it was a dark navy blue, and as I would later find out, it was the home of the best fish in Washington, or at least that was my opinion. The grass was tall and the color of lime and the air was fresh, almost too fresh. In the distance toward the end of this enchanting opening I saw three moose grazing along the border of the lake, and I knew that this is where I would spend my summer days, but little did I know it was where I was going to spend all of my days, or at least the bad ones. 

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I felt my muscles ache with disappointment as I stopped before the two large trees that I knew so well. Now that I was grown it was always a struggle to get through the opening so I waited until the up and coming joggers up the trail were long gone, and there was no one else in sight. After a much-endured struggle, I crawled out of the opening into the open wood that I held so dear to my heart. My mind was almost silent at the point of crossing but the thoughts still crept along. 

I walked to the edge of the lake, bent over and picked up a few flat stones before throwing them out gracefully onto the water, watching and counting every time they would skip. 

'You have to ignore these thoughts,' I thought to myself 'They aren't good, they aren't even decent. You have never truly had thoughts like these before, why would they be happening now? They don't even make any sense, you don't hate them...so why would you want to do any of that? Plus it's her that deserves it if anyone, not those innocent people you saw earlier. Just try to shrug it off, listen to Caroline and find a hobby, that would be a better way to spend your time.'

With that thought, I pulled out my fishing pole and baited up the line. I popped some tangy gum in my mouth before casting out onto the fish infested waters. Before I knew it the thoughts that were causing such chaos before were gone. 'Perhaps Caroline is onto something.' I thought to myself while reeling in a bite on the line.