Meant for Me | ✔️

1) Learning to walk

No. I knew that I wouldn't.

Austin in the beginning of August was the time that it reached peak temperatures. The sun was relentless, I could feel it piercing my skin from the moment that I stepped off the train and onto the platform where thousands of bodies made it even hotter than it was. For a moment, all I could do was stand still and watch the world move around me.

The colour, the beautiful sun dresses and wide brimmed hats. Flip flops and sandals. Smiles that said, all is well in the world. It never ceased to amaze me how one tragic event, one event that felt so enormous that it should have had the entire population reeling and falling to its knees, was in fact not earth shattering at all. It existed to me and a handful of people back in California.

It made me wonder how much darker life would be if grief was physical. If we could walk past someone and see exactly what it was that they felt. If we could see their heart tearing right down the middle, if we could see the never-ending slow bleed of their mind turning into a dismal mess. I suppose there was a good reason that it wasn't like that. It would be too much. Humans are empathetic. Having to carry someone else's grief would be a quick descent into madness.

The role of a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, a hand to hold was the most that another human could do. Empathy was enough of a curse as it was. As I watched a woman walk past, a skip in her step, thrill in her beaming smile, I knew that I wouldn't want to be responsible for crushing her spirit. Especially not when she reached an older woman, embraced her in a hug and told her how much she missed her.

Envy, envy was a real human curse that I was glad couldn't be seen.

With a backpack on, a pair of Fila trainers and a black T-shirt dress, I began walking. Black was the right colour. Not because it represented how I felt, but because the sweat would be less obvious. And I did sweat. There was no reasonable explanation for how far and how long I chose to walk for, I just couldn't think of much else to do. There was no plan. No destination.

The Colorado River which ran right through the heart of Austin was beautiful on a day like today. The sun hit the rippling surface, appearing as if it was glittering with diamonds. I stood on the Pennybacker bridge which crossed the river, its expanse stretching hundreds of feet and rolling hills flanked either side. There were trees and grass and water for miles. For a moment I inhaled the clean air, searching for peace or a flicker of appreciation for the scene. The fact that I felt hollow, less than hollow, I felt nothing, scared me. I knew that the view was beautiful, and yet the emotion refused to stir.

Night began to fall after some hours of aimless wandering. The sky turned into a dusted orange, the slither of blue became an almost purple shade and the clouds looked like cotton candy. There was an obvious ache in the sole of my feet, it traveled right up into the core of my thighs. I hadn't eaten, I hadn't had something to drink. I hadn't healed one fucking bit and that was the point. To move and think until the pain resided. Just a little bit. That was all I asked.

When it was dark, and there were crickets chirping, stars overhead and headlights illuminating the road in front of me, I wondered if I should have rented a room for the evening. Especially because as I peered around, I realised how far from town I now was. There were no store fronts, no people, no homes. Just the occasional gravel driveway that was so long I couldn't see the end of it, trees and fields.

The night didn't bring much in the way of relief from the heat. It was still humid, and I felt drenched. I came to a standstill and contemplated what to do. What would Margo do? Well, she'd have never spent an entire day walking across Austin in the first place. She'd have caught a cab, rented a room, carefully allocated her hours into set activities so that she could make the most of her adventure.

I knew her so well. I knew what she would do and still, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'd have never done it as well as her. There was no point in attempting to be half of who she was.

Bullshit, Addie. You're an event planner. Organisation is what you do!

"Excuse me, Ma'am?"

I startled and turned around to the harsh glare of the brightest lights behind me. A shadow stood there, a woman, her hair long and her figure thin. My breath caught.

"Margo?"

"Uh. . . Ma'am are you alright? It's not too safe walking around these parts alone. A lot of traffic passes through and I—"

Whatever she said faded out, just like the rest of the world.