In The Clouds

Cloud 1

1~ [Change? Okay.]

Right now I am learning to "fix" myself.

It's hard to see something within you when you already see the junk. It's hard to be you when you don't feel like your you.

Ever since I was a girl I always had this strange mindset, one that didn't seem to fit other people's around me, not that I was special or anything. I didn't do well in school because I thought I wasn't capable of anything and also was too lazy to do anything. Therefore, my brain deteriorated, leaving me to lay in my bed every night, eating myself from the inside. But in my head I always blamed other people for my problems, yet I was just like my dad, drunk off of his own problems and never really cared for anything else. He left himself every night with that empty bottle. I remember throwing it away for him one night, shaking my head. I promised myself I'd never be like that, but I knew that deep down I was just like him. My mother, the caretaker, was tired and constantly worried for both of us. She worried about my father with growing health problems, and who often was cross and rude to her. And she worried for me, since my bad grades and loneliness grew more and more each day. I don't know why I left everyone else. Maybe because I was paranoid of people judging me. Maybe because I felt I was never good enough for them. Maybe I felt... I was never good enough for myself. But I always waved it away, never giving a shit about anything again.

There's a guy in my memory from 6th to 8th grade who was a fantastic guy to everyone around him- smart, super funny and energized. He was the man of the class, often called the class clown or the smartass. I wasn't jealous of his great at all, but at the time I already disconnected myself from everyone.
As he tried to be friendly to me, I guess he came to the conclusion that I was an awkward brat of some sort, like those loners in movies you see sitting in the back of class and never really paying attention to anything. I guess he thought I didn't like him- which was totally wrong, but again I acted like a loser to everyone. It never got to me that he would actually talk behind my back, making fun of my grades and taunting me, and I guess everyone listened to him. So I started to blame him for being one of my problems...
By the time 8th grade left me, I was tired of it and couldn't wait to never see those classmates again. It was a happy moment for them and for me once graduation. But then I noticed my my grades were still the horrid bad. I didn't think I would get into any fucking high school, but sure shit I did. And what a fucking ride. All these scary new people, all these scary new teachers... what do I do? Ah, yes. Of course, talk to people. TALK TO PEOPLE. DO YOU KNOW HOW SCARY THAT IS WHEN YOU WERE A LONER FOR YOUR WHOLE LIFE? AND NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU???
Sigh.
There's nothing fucking great about this at all. I never wanted to meet new people, especially in an all girls school. I mean, what would that help?
Trying to make me become some sorta girly girl with makeup all over her face? Gosh, this isn't going to help me at all.

Well guess what?

It did.

I'm here, and I'm trying. You might not think so, but I'm trying.
I'm trying to live without worrying again. I'm trying to love myself better and take better care of myself. Life is still a blur to me, and I might not see my future as brightly as you do. It's a shitty experience, if you ask me.

So you better keep reading this shit. I'm not quitting.
Ever.
Even if my lazy ass is going to give me crap.
IM. NOT. QUITTING. YA GOT THAT?

You can't stop me.