Unsteady

33. Memories

"Thanks Cameron, but I'm afraid it might already be too late," I said, pushing the door to his car open.

I swung my legs out of the car and slammed it behind me. I made my way inside the building, not looking back. I took the stairs two at a time, slowly making my way to my empty apartment while humming the tune to Jaden Smith's Summertime in Paris.

It was a relatively happy song, but I felt like it was appropriate for the heaviness I felt on the inside. It was crazy how certain songs automatically changed once played in a different scenario.

I unlocked my apartment and shut the door quietly behind me, hearing the lock click. I leaned my head against the wood in the darkness, the feeling of being truly alone settling inside me.

It turned me numb, I was grateful for it.

I had come to the point where I would rather be numb than feel the pain of losing him.

•••••

I woke up the next day with a burning need to see him, to touch him, smell him and kiss him. Just to be with...him.

I thought the feeling would wash away after I had taken a shower, but water couldn't wash away desire. I tried to busy myself with tasks to take my mind off of him, but that just ended up in me recalling memories of us everywhere I looked.

I thought back to what Cameron had said about telling Ryder everything, even about the sudden epiphany I had had just before I could fall asleep yesterday.

I bit my lip as I kept my eyes glued to the television screen, watching a classic 90s movie I had never heard of before. The lady on the screen twirled around in her pink frilly dress, her blonde curls bouncing with her as she along with the other actors and actresses who broke out into song.

Maybe I should speak to him, I knew I would regret it if I let him be the one that got away. Then again, maybe this was what we needed, just to stay far away from each other.

I stood up, my mind set on marching over to Kyle's house and demanding Ryder speak to me. I dropped back down onto the couch again once I realized it was probably a stupid idea anyways.

I mean why would he want to see me? Maybe I should just try and move on with my life, like he's clearly doing-

You're stalling.

I am not stalling! I'm just weighing out the pros and cons...

You're trying to convince yourself not to go.

I certainly didn't miss you.

I see I was back to talking to myself again. I shook my head and sprang up from the couch, grabbing my apartment keys from the countertop.

I was driving myself crazy sitting all alone in my apartment, replaying memories of Ryder and my time together. Most consisted of petty arguments, but thinking about it now made me realize how much I missed those petty fights.

I stopped just in front of my door, turning back around to resume sitting on my couch and rotting away until graduation. Before I could change my mind, I yanked my front door open and exited my apartment.