everything changes (but we all stay the same)

2.5 // first crush

i have a crush on a girl.

she was my first crush, actually.

i've known her since first grade, and ever since i met that quiet girl, i knew i wanted to be with her.

i was best friends with her up until we left to go to different middle schools.
those where the best years of my life.

we would be stuck at the hip during those years,
and i would be one of the only people who would talk to her.

see, she didn't talk unless asked a (not yes-or-no) question in class, and even when prompted she spoke so softly.

but she was a fierce girl,
and spoke loudly and energetically when we hung out at her house.

i remember playing "the floor is lava" and smashing prickly pears when we played.
we were a perfect match.

but we didn't keep in touch when we went to middle school.
i had left to participate in the CBG program, and she stayed at our home school.

but when we both came to our home high school three years later,
she acted as if we didn't know each other.

it stung so bad.
i tried hanging out with her a few times in freshman year,
but she had a new best friend.

i was so terribly jealous.
i wanted her to myself,
like it used to be.

i used to talk to her about everything.
she knew all of my secrets,
and i was the only person she would whisper to in school.

but everything has changed since then.

now, she's fierce and proud in public, too.
i'm glad she overcame that insecurity,
but i feel like something that was only ours was lost.

now, she coats her face in makeup,
covering up the subtle, pretty details of her face,
and i wish i could wash away all of that eyeliner and mascara and kiss her gently.

i've always wanted to be with her in a more intimate way,
but i never told her,
because i was afraid.

i've changed too.
when we were in elementary school,
i was a girl.
but now i'm male,
i have a different fashion style,
and i'm so much more sick and sensitive than i used to be.

i feel like i don't deserve her anymore.

she's taken, on top of it all.
she has a boyfriend that loves her,
and she loves him too,
and it feels like a hand clutching my heart,
squeezing as hard as it can.

i want to go back to 2007,
when everything was beautiful,
and i would happily play with my first crush,
my best friend,
the person i wanted to hug forever.