HOPE

Chapter 17

It's not cause I can't trust myself to not call him but cause I cannot deal with that pressure yet. Dealing with my mother was enough trouble for one day. 

Honestly, my mom is unbelievable. She wanted me to get the job and work with her. She offered to let me come live with her even. But the other lady said that they live together. So, my mother just wanted me to crash in her place. Plus, who asks their daughter to be a prostitute.? It's bad enough that she does it, but she asks me to do it with her? Mothers don't do that. Not the sane ones anyway. 

I know I'm a little broke these days but I'm not that desperate for a job. I don't want to sell my own body for money. It's not worth it. 

The whole encounter with my mom pisses me off even thinking about it. 

She completely let go of me when Hannah died without even trying to be there for anyone. She would take leave from work whenever she felt like it and stay home, moping around the place saying she just miss Hannah too much. At first, I pitied her and tried to fill the void of Hannah but after awhile I gave up. Sometimes, she would look at me with so much hatred for being like nothing happened. She hated me for trying to be happy again. She didn't understand that even if Hannah died, I didn't. That she still has another daughter. 

 All of her moping cost her her job. She got fired. I was mad at Hannah for making mom be sad and lonely but I knew it wasn't her fault. I was just looking for someone to blame everything on. 

Just like how mom blamed everything on me. 

I remember so well exactly how I came to stop caring about my mom. 

One day she came home early from work, crying. I went over to her slouched body on the couch and knelt on the ground in front of her. I couldn't stand seeing her cry so much so I just hugged her. 

I remembered how her body got tensed with my hug and she pushed me away roughly to the ground. I looked at her shocked when she looked back at me with disgust and hate. Pure hate so intense that it broke my heart to pieces. But not as much as it did with what she said just then. 

"You" She spits the word out like it was poison. She looked straight at me and said, "I wish it was you, instead of her." She got up from the couch and walked in to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. 

I stayed there without moving, unable to believe what just happened. 

I knew then that just like how she lost Hannah, she lost me too. Ever since then, I didn't care as much about her. 

That's why, even when she left, I quickly gave up my search. she didn't seem worthy of my efforts. The only reason I even searched for her was because I couldn't be with my dad all along. 

~~*~~

A few mornings went by with no calls from the other places I sent applications to. No calls from anyone. I expected a call from my mother actually cause, well, a part of me thought she cared. She could easily get my number through Dave. But no one called me. So maybe she doesn't care about me at all. 

I didn't search about my father on the internet after that first time. Even though I was so close to getting his number to call him, I stopped myself at the last minute. I don't have to go down that road yet. 

I went out of my apartment a couple of times the last few days. It was for groceries or sometimes even to just get away from the close space of my apartment. I mean, I can't be in that forever. So, I just took random walks around the area. 

I was on the edge thinking that I might run into Veron but thankfully, I didn't even see him anywhere. It's actually a relief. 

I walked towards Martine's one day just to see if anything has change but on the outside, it all looks just the same. I know that the only reason Mrs. Diaz bought this place was to get me to go away from there and nothing else. They are a successful family. Why else would they need a restaurant that isn't even in their neighborhood"