Nothing To Lose

1 - we breakdown a little

There was something different about this morning. He wasn't entirely sure what it is but what he knows it's there, somewhere.

He did his push ups exceeding his last record the morning before. Sweat had formed on his upper torso and only when he was out of breath did he stopped.

The blasting water on the shower relaxed his sore shoulders. His mind wanders to Beam.

He will never come back.

He's gone.

The thought caused his chest to ache. And just like that, his morning had turned dark.

Forth let the water ran and drip in his face. 
Facing the mirror was another struggle. He always see Beam's toiletries he had left on their bathroom.

Everywhere he looked, there was a remnant of Beam that incessantly reminds Forth that at one point in his life, he married the only person he had ever loved.

There were traces of Beam that Forth didn't want to erase in the house but he knew he had to let it all go. All of Beam's clothes was still on the walk in closet. There were a few times he caught himself smelling it just so he could pretend that he's holding Beam in his arms.

Forth wore his shirt and his motorbike jacket and drove to the clinic where he'll be having his 4th therapy session with Dr. Klein.

He came into terms that something was wrong with him. For three long years he had buried it at the back of his mind but it always finds its way to the surface. He knew that rage and anger was something he had to deal with but he found denial and drinking easier.

"Hello Mr. Forth. Take a seat and Dr. Klein will be with you shortly." The receptionist greeted him. He smiled and nodded at her.

As he sat down on the lobby waiting to be called, Forth unawarely played with his ring. Twisting and turning it. He began to recall the day Beam disappeared from his life.

"Beam? Baby.. We're almost at the hospital. Stay with me." He was trying to focus his eyes on the road. His hand gripping the steering wheel and the other holding on Beam's hand. Panic was eating him up.

He didn't bother parking his car nor running barefooted in his boxer shorts. All he wants is for Beam to be attended to by doctors. He carried Beam in his arms, still unconcious.

"Help! Somebody help me! My husband.." Forth shouted at the entrance of the hospital. Doctors and nurses immediately swarmed and took Beam from him, rushing his husband to the emergency room.

"What happened to him?" One of the doctors asked Forth as they wheeled him in on the bed.

"He.. I.." Forth couldn't find the right words.

The door closed on his face and he was prohibited by the nurses to go any further. He was advised to wait. He was given a shirt and slippers by one of the nurses.

Forth clasped his hand. It was numb and cold. Never in his life did he prayed but this was an excemption. He bowed his head, whispering a prayer. Crying silently and begging whoever was up there to help his husband.

Hours had passed by. When the emergency door opened, Forth stood up and went towards the doctor. His heart beating in an alternating slow and fast motion.

Forth felt his entire body weakened. He was told that Beam had two broken ribs and an acute internal bleeding. The doctors were able to stabilized his condition.

He couldn't enter the room where Beam was transferred to. Forth sat on the lobby trying to collect himself for some time, gathering what little will he had left.

His heart was shattered in a million pieces as he saw his husband with tubes and needles attached to him. An ache in his chest that started as a pinch grew into a collosal pain. He did this to him. He promised to protect Beam when it was him Beam should be protected from.

Forth sat on the couch. His elbows resting on his knees and his hands were wiping his tears that just wouldn't stop. He tried not to make a sound so as not to disturb Beam but the harder he try the more painful it gets.

When Forth kissed Beam on his forehead and left the room he never saw it coming that it would be the last time he would see him.

"Mr. Forth? Sir?"

He suddenly snapped out of the memory. He blinked and shook his head.

"Uhh.. Yes?" He answered.

"Dr. Klein is waiting for you. You may go inside." The receptionist told him.

The first time he was here, he was utterly lost. And before the first session even began he wanted to back out. Pure shame was all he knew then but there's this gut feeling that tells him that Beam would want this for him. Beam would tell him to seek professional help.

His doctor was an old american guy and Forth was not really sure if there is a significant improvement in him since all they do is talk.

"Hello Forth. How are you?" Dr. Klein asked after he was seated on the couch.

"I uhhm.. don't really know how to answer that." He stared down at his ring.

"And why is that?"

"I miss him so much." Forth choked back on his tears.

"What do you remember about him?"

Forth sniffled and he reached out to take several ply of tissues on the table in front of him.

"A few good seconds of him, smiling or laughing and then.. I remember his face after what I did to him." He wiped the tears in his eyes, his head bowed in shame and self loathing.

"Can you tell me the last time you saw him laugh?"

He thought hard and it hit him. He never saw Beam laugh ever since they got married. He bit his lips, maybe he had forgotten it somehow, he was desperate for even just one memory. He was sure Beam smiled and laughed because of him before but it was too hazy for him to recall. All that was coming back to him was the dark basement, the hospital and the things he did to him that night.

"Forth?" Dr. Klein was starting to get worried.

Forth clutched his hair aggressively. His lips was trembling. It was like he was torn between crying and thrashing out in anger.

"I c-cant remember the l-last time he smiled.. I.. I m-made Beam so unhappy.. I hurt h-him.."

Tears was running down his face.