A LEAP OF THE EARLY BIRD

If only the time could turn back...

Regret is one the one thing that can burn a lasting wound on the heart. Love gained and love lost hurts, but the pain of lost love although vivid at first, eases its grip on the heart over time. But not regret. It has the power to hold on to the heart with the strongest of grips. And it never lets the beholder forget the moment it took place...

By the time Sanem realized she had fallen in love with Can, she had made many mistakes. She lied to Can, she lied to her family, but most importantly, she lied to herself. She lied to herself about the fact that Can did not matter to her. She was told that he was a bad man, but her heart screamed back at her telling her that he was a good man. Each moment she spent with him made her realize two things. It made her realize that Can was never a bad man. It also made her realize that the goodness of his heart made her fall in love with him. And it made her heart surrender to his...

But she lied to him as well. And the regret of it weighed heavily on her conscience.  The day of the motivational camp struck something inside her. The moment she touched his face her heart stopped. It recognized him. It recognized him, and it finally made her admit that it didn't need to see him to feel him. She felt like crying. She lied that she did not know the person she touched. But she knew. Worse, she knew that he knew she recognized him. One look into his eyes told her all she needed to know. She saw the confusion in his eyes, and the hurt. And that was too much. She ran away from her colleagues, sat in silence stating at the yellow bandana. She wanted to cry out all the confusion, all the pain she felt inside from the fact that she lied to Can, and all the pain from knowing that even if she told him how she felt he would turn away from her. What she had done, she put a burden of that lie between them.

Yet, still she hoped. Because now, she loved. The regret of not staying by his side at the motivational camp was just one of a series of regrets, one heavier than the previous one. She felt a regret of not telling him how she felt about him before he left the camp. She listened to Osman when he spoke true words of wisdom. She had to tell Can how she felt. It was now or it may end up being never. Osman told her one more very important advice. If she spoke with Can now, if she revealed all that lay deep in her heart, if she told him the entire truth, she would let him know how she felt, and she would see for herself how he felt. Would he shun away from her and fire her? Or would he accept her and hold her close to his heart? Could he ever?

She searched for him. The voice in her heart told her to go to his house. So she listened. On the way there she came across a bilboard with her photographs. Photographs that they created together. She did not know if she felt proud of herself for looking the way she looked on those photographs, or if she felt proud because the photographs revealed how she looked in and through Can's eyes. That thought only brought her more love, and courage.

When he opened the door, she stood before him with her heart on her sleeve. To gain it all one had to risk it all. She knew how true those words rang at that moment. Her mind told her to run. But her heart stood ground and pushed out as much courage into her soul as it was able to gather. He smiled. He was pleased to see her. She felt so much warmth beam out of him that she all but floated into his home.

The words that made perfect sense in her mind and heart fought a battle with the world of reality. She made no sense. She babbled and tried to put those words together in at least understandable sentences. The courage she felt a moment ago laughed in her face now. But it paused, and turned. To Can. Because just as it was becoming clear that she may never be able to get to the heart of the matter, Can's eyes lit back with he same kind of light that Sanem's eyes shone when she looked at him. He listened to her. Really listened. Her words no longer needed to come out in sentences that made sense. Because he found the sense in them himself. She cared. Cared for him. Nothing else mattered, because she cared. The moment she realized that her world changed...

How was it possible to feel the most amazing kind of happiness in the world and a mere second later the worst kind of despair? How was it possible to float up to the skies and then be thrust back down to the lowest of grounds? Her heart felt more alive than ever when she realized he began to accept what she was telling him and he smiled. And then, all that she could feel was the indescribable and inconsolable trepidation. Can's telephones rang one by one, giving off the sense of urgency. Deren urged Can to turn on the news. His shock couldn't have been greater than Sanem's. The story that played out right before their eyes portrayed Can as a thief. A petty man who stooped to the lowest of lows, and worse, all in the name of a charity they so proudly wanted to benefit. Can could not believe it. In all of his life he had never cheated. Such a bone did not exist in his body. How hated did he have to be for someone to attack him in the one place it hurt the most?

Can walked out. So she followed. All she wanted to do was console him. Comfort him. But his heart did the only thing it knew what to do. It closed. The hurt in his eyes shot through Sanem's heart. She saw his pain. She felt his hurt. She saw in that moment that he was never a bad man, he was just hurt beyond words in the past. He suffered more than she ever would have been able to imagine. But she suffered more. Because she knew. She knew she was the one, the only one who caused him that pain. Not Emre, not anyone else under the sun. She did. If only time could turn back. She never would have lied to him. She never would have acted against him. She never would have taken those photos to Emre. Because now she was the one who caused Can so much pain. And the regret of that would burn in her forever...