Word count: 970
I woke up today feeling dreadful as always; ever since that day I've been feeling so empty. It's like something inside me is missing and what pains me the most, is that I know exactly what it is.
You.
But today's not the day to stay locked up inside my room. I have decided to start moving on. Even if I know it will take a while and even if I know it will hurt a lot, I still have to.
As I took a bath, I looked at the mirror. I had slimmed down real bad. I could almost see my bones forming around my head. I look like a zombie, lifeless. Funny how it actually describes me so well.
After what felt like eternity of self-discrimination in front of the mirror, I finally found the strength to walk out of the bathroom and continue my day. I pulled up a baby-blue blouse out of the closet and a pair of black skinny jeans. I struggled to get into the clothing even though I could easily fit in since I was much skinnier than before.
After a series of grunts and groans, I went to the front door. I was almost at the front step when I realized I don't have the keys with me so I went back to the room and took the keys. Was already out of the house when I realized, I don't have my bag.
It's like this these days. I keep forgetting a lot of things. Last time, I had to make a U-turn since I left the files I had to work on at home. Fortunately, I was able to make it in time.
I'm so out of it these days. I could see myself getting dumb each passing day.
After double-checking everything, I finally drove off. Passing by the noisy neighborhood you were supposed to live in but didn't. There was the park that I wanted so much to introduce to you, and there was the school where I basically grew in. There were so much I wanted you to see but you couldn't stay.
The ride took more than an hour, all throughout the ride I listened to my favorite song. The one I was always singing for you. As soon as I saw the big white building a heavy sigh escaped my lips. I took the pot of flowers carefully placed on the passenger's seat and carried it with me inside the building.
My steps grew heavy the closer I get to where you're at. Eyes became heavy as I saw a small white porcelain box, placed uniformly with others. And when I got closer, I trailed my hands at the carvings on the wall.
Christina Jay M. Park
September 5, 2019-September 5, 2019
It was 7 months ago when I first knew you were coming. Needless to say, I was excited. You were a dream come true. And even though I wasn't sure if your father would accept us, I know I would.
I would care for you. You would be the most precious being, I would spoil you, love you and just... be with you.
I remember how many parents had adviced me to read you some books, so even though it looked weird, I did. I really wanted the best for you. I would always read you Cinderella or The Little Mermaid, even if I wasn't sure yet if you were a boy or a girl. But who cares right? Boys can read Princess stories too.
I know already that I would be the coolest mom ever. I will support you in every decisions you make. I'll guide you. I wanted to be the comfort you need whenever your down.
I had so much I wanted to do for you.
The time they told me that you weren't strong and that it would be difficult for me to carry on with the pregnancy, I said, I will push through. No matter what, I won't let you die. Now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn't have. That way, you wouldn't have to experience being alive, only to be taken away of that feeling in just seconds.
I was selfish.
But, I really wanted you.
Now that it has been a month since you were gone. There were no more tears to shed. No more pain. There was just emptiness.
But I have to move on. I have to let go. I have to live. Even if it hurts, I have to continue.
This isn't goodbye. This is just acceptance. I know you'll look at me up there. Instead of guiding you, you'll be guiding me. I know you'll take care of me.
So, this time, I'll try to be strong.
"Sleep tight baby, mommy's gonna be alright."
_
A/N:
So two nights ago, I woke up crying. I felt pain inside my heart and it was crushing me. It scared my mom when I basically broke down on my bed. I couldn't stop crying. When she asked me, I could only say 'my baby', while I was caressing my tummy as if I had a baby inside. But that's why it's weird. I wasn't pregnant, I don't even have a boyfriend! Yet there I was, crying and screaming that I had lost my baby.
I realized later on that it was all just a dream. It felt so real that I really was caught up with it. Maybe I was just too stressed with everything that was happening with me in real life that I had carried it into dreamland. Not that I actually had a baby.
Anyways, that's why I wrote it down. I felt like I wouldn't be able to get over it without writing it.
