Excerpts of Things I Will Never Say: (A collection of short excerpts and poems)

Excerpts of Things I Will Never Say #4

Sometimes I consider myself nostalgic.

It is when certain memories and thoughts pop into my mind,like lightning bolts with no warning, that I find myself longingfor my mother's old perfume that she used to wear when I was akid. Longing for my father's smell that's plastered on his jacket;that mixture of cologne, cigarettes and coffee.

Funny how a certain smell, a certain taste, can take one backa few years to a time when life was much simpler. Much easier.

It was still around noon. I was lying in my room. The sun wasbreaking through the turquoise curtains, hitting my unmadebed. I was gazing and watching from the darkest corner ofmy room where no light could touch my face. My mind wenton its own journey, as it normally does. The only sounds thatcould be discerned were the voices of the workers at our nextdoor neighbor's house as they repaired the broken fence. Theirendless chatter and loud noise while they worked served asbackground music to my thoughts. Yet despite all that, I wastoo focused on my own wistful memories that were creepinginto my brain like thieves breaking into a house.

Things used to be different. The view from outside my windowwas different. The color of my curtains was different. Time wasdifferent. People were different.

Back then our town wasn't as advanced and modernized as itis now. Most of the streets were not paved at all—only a fewhad been covered with asphalt. Our front yard did not havebig white picket fences and massive backyards and lawns. Theparking lot we used was really just a big garden with trees.Everything looked different.

Things were really different back then. Everyone was closein my family. I was close to my family. But now, I don't seemto have even a trace of the person I once was. I know I felt 

different because I was different. I was a short little tomboy
who played sports with my cousins and learned how to ride
a bike. I would run around playing thief and detective with a
neighborhood kid.

Back then we were all united; it was different. It was less lonely.Now, although I am still that same short little tomboy, my hairis longer and I have gained more life experience. But I feel thatI am deprived of the nice and simple childhood I once had.Now here I am sitting all alone in a dark corner and wondering,'How did things change? When did it happen? Where did I gowrong, and am I to blame? What caused things to escalate andgo awry; from hundred to zero; from feeling loved to feelinglonely?'