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Y'all know mama likes to be upfront with y'all,so imma tell y'all something that's been bothering me a lot cause I feel like maybe y'all could help me in some kind of way.
Lately I ain't been here mentally.
I ain't been happy either.
And I know y'all probably like "but bitch you was just happy in that other rant"
I know,I know🤦🏾♀️ which leads to another problem concerning me.
I don't know how to feel,or who I really am right now or what imma be.
I'm fucked up.
We gon start on the fact that I ain't mentally here.
When I say that,I mean that I can't focus on anythingggggg🤦🏾♀️like I don't feel here— as in I don't feel alive.
I know it sounds weird but it's been like this for a minute now.
I'm the person that's always being forgotten. Nobody really ever pays any attention to me,and I've literally had people forget I was there. Teachers especially.
This always made me feel some kind of way,because like I'm a real person,right? I'm here,right? Y'all can see me,right????😐 I've literally always questioned if I was even a real person,because people just seem to forget about me,and the fact that I feel like this,proves that I'm here. Being ignored really fucks with my mind because it's like wtf am I?😐
Having to even question my own existence is why I think that I'm not mentally here. It's like people took away my assurance that I was physically here,so it makes it 10000 times harder for me to be mentally here.
Y'all understand right?
Secondly I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.
Yea,it might not seem that way,cause I'm always showing love,and I might seem okay,but it's a train wreck.
Again,my emotions are all over the place for whatever reason🙄. Plus,now that I'm a lil closer to graduating,everybody wants to know what I plan on doing with my life and honestly I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
Like boom,I got all of these goals,but can I really do it? Like am I even capable of getting where I wanna be in life? Especially if I'm not sure of myself? Like how can I expect to be/do anything if every 5 seconds there's something wrong with me and I have no idea what it is?!🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️Expressing myself is probably the hardest thing ever because I don't know how to put into words what I'm feeling.
You see my problem right?
Lastly,all of this shit leads to unhappiness.
My favoriteeeeeeeee emotion😒😒.
Lemme tell y'all a lil story.
If y'all remember when I was giving the freshmen advice,y'all know that my freshman year was hell on earth. Literally.
And y'all know that I kept having breakdowns and panic attacks and shit.
Sooooo🤦🏾♀️the first breakdown I ever had was in the school cafeteria🤦🏾♀️. Literally,people everywhere,no one paid any attention as I sat there bawling my eyes out. Till this day I'm not really sure why all of that shit was happening to me because the day before,I was fine. I felt like no one understood,and they still dont🙄,because neither do I🤦🏾♀️.
That was the most unhappy moment of my life,but if you were to ask somebody at my school,they probably wouldn't have know I was there😐.
Moral of the story is,I hide all of these negative feelings and thoughts well.
Mostly because it's a lot to have to tell somebody who 9/10 can't relate and 10/10 won't understand or care🤦🏾♀️. I hate feeling like I'm dumping all of my problems on somebody because I'd rather not be seen as some kind of burden or a charity case to anyone.
Also part of the reason why I don't talk to people who say they'll help me. Letting all of that shit go in front of people wasn't something that I was used to🤦🏾♀️it made me uncomfortable to cry so much because I never really did it before😐. I didn't see the point in crying and I still don't. It doesn't help me at all. That shit only makes me feel worse,and like I'm some kind of attention craving ass person when in reality I just needa get my shit together🤦🏾♀️.
Expressing my emotions has always been tough for me because I don't think I feel things like other people do.
For example I don't cry at funerals. I never felt the need to,because I didn't feel anything😐
weird right?
It's like I'm numb to the shit happening around me,and I don't think it's okay. Like things rarely get any reaction out of me because I don't feel anything unless it's intense anger or extreme sadness. I might get a day where it's just strictly all smiles,but that's rare asf. I also have a hard ass time helping other people because how am I supposed to help other people when I can't help myself? It's weird trying to give advice that I don't even take myself.
I'm either numb or mad,or sad,and that shit is getting annoying🤦🏾♀️. I just wanna know what my problem is and why I can't feel shit like normal people do. Then again,I'm scared to feel shit because I don't wanna me the girl that can't keep herself together or is an emotional mess.
Anywho🙄don't be like me.
I had a lot more to say,but I don't want y'all to worry about me or anything,so imma leave all that other shit alone.
