A Spaceman

Chapter 16--The beginning of the beginning

"Why----why are you telling me this?" I ask, repulsed.

"Because I like you. I think you're a good guy. And I figure it isn't so good for me to like people," she says, shrugging again, "Figure you ought to know the truth if we're both gonna die in a couple of hours."

"I don't understand," I say.

"I didn't say I thought you were smart. Anyway, to answer your first question, real answer is: I think it'd be good to get me away from Soren too. Get him around some normal people. Real people who don't think of doing sick stuff just to see if they'll feel bad about it later," Tess said, "I don't think I'd do him any good either. What kind of mother can I be if I slept with my own father? I don't get much about feelings, but I know I shouldn't have done that, by real people standards. And I want him to be a real person. Like you, and the erinaceous girl in there, it looks like fun to be a real person. More fun than being me. It gets pretty miserable, when the happiest, most fun place you can be is inside your own head and no place else. My dad---our dad, he's like that too. And it isn't any good. And I don't want him getting any place near Soren. And hell I'm probably not much better for my kid, truth be told. So that's why it's best we do this."

"You think you're going to die," I say, softly. Suddenly I feel very, very sorry for her.

"No. I don't really. I tend not to think like that. I have a lot of ways I can get out of this without dying," she says, calmly.

"How old are you?" I ask, softly.

"Twenty two," she says, "So yeah, I had Soren when I was sixteen."

"I see," I say.

"No you don't. Sorry if I'm being blunt," she says, "But I decided, when Soren was born, that I was going to try to be a real person. And that means not lying all the time to make me seem normal. And not telling people what they want to hear or what I want them to hear. It means just being me, even if that is obnoxious, and pestilential and refractory and everything. Because I decided it wasn't any good to hide who and what I am."

"Okay," I say, "But, if you're doing that---which sounds really admirable by the way, why are you going with me now? Why disrupt all that and leave him?"

"Because when you showed up, I couldn't help thinking how much fun it would be to go and show Titus I'm not dead, and betray him. Sorry, but fun's the only word for it. it's enticing, it's invigorating, it's mental stimulation and that sort of thing shouldn't be, but it is to me, so I guess I can't change who I am, and make myself normal. And it'd do the world a favor to kill him, so maybe this is what I'm meant for," she says simply.

"I thought I was the only one who thought crazy things like that," I say, half smiling.

"What?" she asks.

"That I'm meant for something greater than what lies in front of me," I say.

"You think this is it for us?" she asks, frowning.

"I don't know, let's go find out," I say, standing up and offering her hand. She does not take it.

"You are pestilential," I say.

"You probably don't even know what that means," she says.

"No, but I know you're it," I say.

**

"Do you think we're going to die?" I ask Alexander, as we watch as Quentin and Tess bicker about how best to---do something that gets the ship ready to fly.

"Probably," he admits, "You know you don't have to come."

"I know," I say, "But you may need the help. And this is a good chance to stop Titus Card."