“Dad was gay.”
It took a long time before Grandpa could say something. I’d pretty much ambushed him as we ate lunch in the hospital cafeteria. I thought about ambushing Mum about it as well but I’d figured Dad’s sexuality was a non-issue for her. Grandpa, on the other hand…
“Yes, he was,” he finally answered as he looked at me straight in the eye.
“Was he the type who’d wear girly clothes?” It was the first thing I could think of.
“No,” he scoffed. “Nothing that extreme.”
“He just happened to like guys?” I asked as I chewed on my food.
Gramps, in all his authoritative glory, seemed so small. This was a sensitive topic.
“Look,” he began, scratching the back of his head. “I'm not too proud of what I did. I guess the disappointment got the better of me just when I had so much pinned on him. I had so many plans for him.”
I knew it. I felt pressured by him already about the business. Dad must’ve had it bad then too.
“I wanted to make it up to him after his mother left,” he added, looking very sad. “I just wanted everything to be secured for him. The worse thing about it was that he left too.”
Jeez, Dad. You’ve made a lot of people very miserable.
“Then again, I made it hard enough for him to do nothing else but leave,” he said. “I’ve never really been able to accept it. I was ashamed of his preference and I was scared of what people might say. But when I saw how happy he was with you and your mother, I was happy too. His being gay didn’t matter anymore. The only thing that mattered to me was that he was secured with his family.”
“I'm not here to condemn you, Pops,” I assured him, smiling at him. “I just… I’m just a little surprised by it. Did you and Dad ever talk about it again?”
“No,” he replied. “It just never came up again. It’s like we’ve finally put it behind us and for a while, we became father and son again. If he had passed on without me ever coming to terms about it, I’d be haunted for the rest of my life.”
I patted Gramps shoulder as I felt the air was becoming too heavy around us. I smiled at him again and saw that he really loved Dad, that he was just too ignorant that time. I wonder what I would feel and how I would react if Dad were here now and telling me about it.
Then, I confronted Mum.
“I knew about him right from the start.”
My hunch was right. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Would my telling you change the fact that he’s your father?” she asked back.
I was lost in my thoughts for a moment. He was still my dad, someone who had a relationship with a dude and was somehow straight again when he met Mum. I just couldn’t imagine him being with a guy. Then again, I couldn’t imagine him being with someone else aside from my mother. He has written so much about her in his journal. It was hard to think that he’d once loved someone else, someone in the same gender as he.
“You were the only woman for him,” I murmured almost to myself. There won’t ever be another love like that for her.
Mum heard me from her bed and smiled.
“It’s not about gender or age or health with him, Liam,” she added. “He was loved by the people he loved. At the end of the day, it’s really the only thing that matters.”
