Torture called love | Crowley x Aziraphale (Good Omens)

Sorry, I can't

Okay, he's right here. Just tell him.
No you dumb- You can't just say
'Hey and by the way, I love you'
That's not how it works.

"Is everything okay right now?" he brings me back to reality.

"What? Yeah. Yes, perfectly fine.
I was just- You know? Thinking"
I hate lying to him.

"You just seem to be a little bit stressed. More than usual"

"Nah. Everything's okay, Angel"

"Somewhere you want to go? Or Something you would like to do?"

Oh yes, I would really want to kiss you and let my hand stoke through your beautiful hair while we're cuddling.

"What about just doing nothing?"

"Well, okay then. I think I'll grab a book and read over there if it doesn't bother you"

"No, no. Just do your thing. Go for it"

He stands up, takes his book and starts reading on his chair in the corner of the room.

I just let my thoughts ruin me.
Again.

*time skip*

one hour later

Aziraphale puts his book down and breathes out loudly. I can tell he's staring at me but I don't know if it's good or bad. Probably bad.

"Crowley" he says calmly.

"Hm?" I look up to him and raise an eyebrow.

"Something oppresses you"

"I'm-"

"Don't tell me the opposite"

"Excuse me? Am I not allowed to answer by myself? I think I still know better how I feel"

"It's obvious. Crowley"

"Come on, don't say my name like that" I whisper to myself. Quiet enough so that he doesn't hear it.

It sounded like he was moaning it and that isn't helpful at all.

"Fine" he says and takes place on the couch right next to me.

I'm confused.

"Who's she?" he asks.

Now, I'm even more confused.

"Who's who, Aziraphale?"

"Don't play the stupid one. We're friends. You can tell me everything. And don't you forget I'm still an Angel. I can feel love when it is around me and I'm sorry to say that but you feel like love and despair and-"

"No, I don't"

"I'm asking you again, who is she?"

"Why? You jealous?"

He immediatly looks away and blushed a little bit. "I- Er- No, of course not. I- I'm just... interested"

I can't turn my eyes off his face, his body. To be honest, I haven't expected him to react like this.

"Well" I say, "It doesn't always have to be a woman, does it?"

My torso is tingling. I'm really doing it.
I'm talking about this with him.
Should I be proud of that? I don't know, but I am.

"Oh, good. I thought you weren't like that before. Like... not straight"

"How's that?"

"You really have no idea how you're walking, right?" he laughs.

"Wha- What's wrong with my walking?"

"It literally screams 'Hi I'm a homosexual.' I can tell you that"

I shake my head. Is it really that obvious?

"Anyway. Then, who's he?" he asks.

I can't keep back a smile.
God, my heart. I can't speak. I can't do anything right now and I don't care.
I don't care that he makes me weak. It just feels too good to be bad. But at the same time it hurts more than anything else.

"Oh, he has to be a lucky man. When someone reacts like this-
Oh dear, Crowley" he says and laughs quietly, looking at me like a proud mother.

"Hm? Wha-?"

"You really love him, don't you?"
Aziraphale gets closer to me til our legs are touching. He places his right hand on my left shoulder.

My skin begins to burn under his touch.
I bite my lip and nod slowly.

Ok, nope. I feel it, yup.
Satan give me strength. Here they are, emotions. 
I hate them.
I hate me. For having them.
My feelings come over me. Just take deep breathe in. No, doesn't help.
My sunglasses.
I need. My sunglasses.

"I'm sorry, I can't" I whisper, stand up and grab them. Safety.

"Did- Did I do something wrong?" Aziraphale asks visibly worried.

I shake my head. "No. No, I think I'm just not the type for conversations like that. You... you're perfect, Angel. It... it would be better if I leave now"

"Crowley, please. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

I can feel tears building up in my eyes and without looking to my beautiful angel a single time, I leave the bookshop.

Right after I closed the door behind me, the first tears are running down my face.
I walk to my car as fast as I can.
The only one who can help me now is Freddie Mercury on full volume.