Torture called love | Crowley x Aziraphale (Good Omens)

Somehow it is love

two months after the apocalypse

PoV: Crowley

Here I am, sitting on the groud, head on my knees, armes wrapped around my legs.

I don't know what I should think about or if I even should think about anything. Probably not, but I can't stop and I'm not sure where to start. My mind is a mess.
My thoughts are mostly about all the moments I enjoyed so much with the person I love. All the good memories.

What in Satan's name is he doing with me. It's like I'm getting sick if that's even possible.

I already know I like him in a special way. It was centuries ago that I noticed a... feeling... towards him. And that was the day I realized I am gay.

But now it seems like I need him more that I ever did and that scares me to be honest.

I stand up and look after my plants before closing the door infront of them, so they don't hear me screaming.
Then I grab a bottle of wine from the kitchen and start drinking without even thinking about it.

After a few minutes there isn't much wine left. I empty the bottle with one sip and put it on the table.

I force myself in the middle of the room and let it out.

"Demons aren't supposed to feel that way!"

I shouted to myself over and over again. That was one of the senteces I always said to myself and I still do it. Like now.

"Demons aren't supposed to feel anything!"

And that gives me one more reason to hate myself.

"I don't feel anything!"

I know that isn't true but I wish it was. Saying these dumb ass things should help but it doesn't.

"Especially not something like love~"

The last word was just a whimper.
I've never said that it was love.
I mean, I thought about it but I didn't expect saying this.

The room is covered in silence for a quite long time.

Why should I lie to myself?
I mean somehow it is love...

"Shit!"

I know what I feel. Why are feelings always bad for me? Why can't I accept them? If only it wasn't an angel who I fell for.

He would never have the same feeling. He thinks I couldn't even love at all and he isn't completely wrong. It's been 6.000 years and he is the only one. He always was.

Of course there were a few lovers in the past, but I can't remember falling that hard. No one was like him. Probably because all of them were just human beings.

And even if he would... love me back. That feels weird. Thinking about being loved. And it feels good, actually.
So even if he would, it's still a sin.
He would never do it.

Now I know that I like him. Very much. And he doesn't like me and he never would.

I hate my thoughts but I can't make them stop. It's just mawkish and they always make me feel weak.

That isn't me. I have tears in my eyes. The real me would never get attached by emotions.

I grab the empty bottle from the table and throw it with tears running down against the wall.

"That. Isn't. You!"

For so long I could handle it.
For god's sake what happened to me?

The angel happened. My angel.

I could tell him tomorrow. I'll see him at the bookshop at 3pm.

Don't. You will NOT do this.
I won't ever tell him.
That would ruin our friendship and then I'll be completely lonely.
He's my only friend and I'm glad he is the one. I don't want to lose him. Never.

But I also want him to know about my feelings so badly.

Maybe I've gotten a little bit too drunk this time. Sitting here and crying the shit out of me won't change anything.

Probably I should go to sleep now.

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Should I publish the next chapter although it isn't finished? Because I haven't got so much time the next days. Let me know if you want to have a completed chapter each time or if you're ok with a few hundred words more in one chapter.
Thank you💫