Patchworked Hearts {SAMPLE}

Chapter 9

Going off that same vein: No, you are not an idiot for not realizing that something was amiss in your parents' marriage. For one thing, as the child, it's not your job to monitor their relationship (as mean as that may sound). In fact, getting involved in such matters often backfires, and taking an unbiased, third-party perspective is usually your best bet. So no, you're not an idiot, and no, you should not feel guilty or ashamed for not realizing that your mom was unhappy.

Should you meet the man? I'm sorry to say that only you can answer that question. Is it something you actually want to do, or will you be sitting across from him and biting your tongue the whole time? Take your time in considering what you want to do, especially if you suspect that she won't be "keeping" him for long.

If I may be frank, here's my take on the situation: Don't feel bad for not noticing the "signs" that your mom was displeased. However, don't cut her out of your life either, even though I'm sure you'd like to have some space from her. As I mentioned earlier, you're a bit of a third party in this situation; both parents might come to you with their sides, and, while that will probably make you uncomfortable, it will also provide an opportunity for you to understand what's happening.

It sounds like you have your dad's take on the divorce, but do you want your mom's side as well? I know it's painful and you feel betrayed, but staying in touch with her might allow you to better comprehend why she did what she did.

Now, the issues with being an adult child faced with divorce. I know you didn't ask, but I'm going to provide some unsolicited advice (ironic, no?).

Please know that it's okay to feel a mass of confusing emotions. Also be aware, however, that they will eventually pass. Don't be afraid to reach out to a trusted friend or therapist and vent either, as that may help you understand the tangle of feelings.

Okay. Now, do you remember what I said about being a third party? Hearing your parents' personal views on the divorce might help you through your own feelings, but do know that it is perfectly fine to outline boundaries. As an adult, your parents may start to treat you as more of a friend than a child, and you might need to step up and lay out clear lines of what you do—and don't—want to hear.

Last, but certainly not least: although it sounds like your mother has yet to find a permanent partner, it should be noted that one or both of your parents might eventually move forward and date seriously (and possibly marry someone else). When this happens, please, I beg of you, don't force yourself to be friendly if you're not actually feeling that way. According to most therapists, doing so will only increase resentment towards the new partner that will probably blow up in your face later. Go through your emotions; it's okay to be a bit on the chilly side, and don't rush feelings of love or forced care. Take your time, work through your inner feelings, and—if your parents wonder why you're acting the way you are—be honest.

I wish there was more I could do for you, Angry, Confused, and Torn Child, but this situation is one that needs to be handled on a case-by-case basis. As with most of the letters I receive, I do recommend always having a support group (whether it's friends, therapist, etc) to lean on and vent to.

Good luck, Child. Remember, your emotions matter, and don't ever be ashamed for feeling them. It's a delicate situation, but something tells me that you're a tough cookie.

You'll get through this.

XO,