Random stuff I find in my google docs account

Too lazy

I'm too lazy to read this whole thing so if u want to go ahead this was beginning of 7th grade when I had a crush on this Other girl and yeah she ended up being as straight as a non bendable ruler so that was... yeah I'm not reading all this so have fun being confused!

I think it gets angsty too. Btw I talked to myself in middle school so uhm(still do lol):
"I don't want her to be my life support. In fact I don't want anyone to be my life support I want to support myself but I can't because myself is only one thing yet the thoughts that fill my head are like two. So would it be possible? Yet only one creates the thoughts. Yet the other agrees. Am I to change my oneself that would be changing two or would I be trying to change one but that would be trying to change both by using one to change the other. But then THAT ONE AND I'M GOING IN CIRCLES. I think I'm tired. Cuz when I'm tired I'm always talking a lot of nonsense but right now I'm thinking but would u call it nonsense? Would I wake up in the morning or any time I read this and disagree? Or would I question the bad thoughts or just the thoughts in general, like no longer agreeing. Would I be in a happier mood while disagreeing? That is if I do disagree which I won't know yet. I wish I could be more independent. But am I Already? In what sense? I can do things on my own pretty much. But She is my life support right now right? Or am I silently using others as well? The cactus made me cry because I really felt something, like a strong emotion take over that normally doesn't occur. That's what happens to make me cry. Like if I find something really funny and I feel really happy and included and I don't really know then I cry laugh. The sudden elation and happiness. Or when something really hurts painfully physically or mentally. But I have no fucking idea what that was because yes while I have felt it before from her at a different time... I felt it again and it's weird. Do I just feel really loved? What even is love anyway? And after feeling that, why do I feel guilty about having to need (I think want) her. It's probably cuz I'm holding her back from a better life than consoling me. And I can't let go of these thoughts. They are too important and I've felt it before and I just can't let go. Maybe I should just let go of the stuff and look into the future more. Maybe I won't bring people down by trying to help me. Maybe that was pure guilt. When I saw that cactus. But then again it can't be. I sometimes think like this and feel like what am I getting out of this. What if nothing changes like it never does. What makes this different? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. So this makes nothing better except me needing to vent. But then again I am not venting to anyone. This is just one side speaking. Or is it two? There is negative. But you cannot describe them as negative or positive just... Actually I don't know. My other friend just texted me and my thoughts kept coming and I told them to shut up but it doesn't work so I told her I needed to sleep. I lied. I told her sorry. Another sorry for today. I told her I had a long day. I lied. Now I'm thinking about nicknamed and how it would feel to have one. Just to be different than myself and have a new identity. Would it give a new identity? Now I'm wondering how John green writes. Does he write from experience? I looked back at my thoughts. I need to stop lying to myself and others. Why did I write this down? To save it? Why would I want to save this? Would I forget it and want to look back? Would it help? Yet I have a desire to save it all. So... So I don't give a damn actually why. I just realized I will swear in thought writing but haven't actually done it much in my head while thinking it. Probably cuz it's not part of my vocabulary. Yet I wrote fuck and damn. I confuse myself thus making this writing. It's weird and I can't explain. Now i feel full. A feeling I feel when I said most that I must. Becuase I'm still thinking right now. I want to stop. I don't have anxiety(AN: looking at this in the future I realize I might have been a tiny bit wrong here... ok a lot). But at times like this. I can't stop thinking about what I have done. Or just thinking relating to what I have down. But will I ever come to a solution with all this thinking? Also was it turtles all the way down that made me think this things. No because it was from today when my mother rejected her. But then again in just thinking and just forgot something. If I put my iPod down I will probably need to pick it u again in five seconds because I can't shut up my thoughts. And I feel the need to write it down. Here I go in circles again. How fun. I felt guilty while apologizing. Now she wants to be there for me but I'm a waste of time and she should spend her life better. I want her to know this. But I am too weak and scared to tell her because I am selfish and I know I want to be comforted with her. I needed a life saver. I got it. Now I feel that she is going to be stuck with me. She shouldn't but I can't get the strength to tell her because she will think she has done something wrong. She hasn't in just really... Horrible thoughts inside. But they are not horrible it depends on the definition of this context horrible because it's the truth. And I don't want to fight her. So I'm stuck playing happy child. Stupid happy child(AN: and I still haven't changed that much :')  ). Looking for love even though I cry for a simple huge act of kindness.but do I want to be alone? No. I don't believe anyone wants to be alone. But that's my thoughts you see? I am talking to no you. I am talking to myself and writing it down. I'm DISCUSTING. But it depends on DISCUSTING context. I want to give this to her to make her see my thinking but I don't want to lose her though I don't know how I would. I don't want her to feel bad for me. She shouldn't waste her time on me though deep down I selfishly want her to save me. From my sea of thoughts. Cold dead thoughts. I know it would only drag her down with me. I drag people down. I look nice and act nice but am only dragging people down. I don't want that. Their parents probably can see that and don't want their children to hang out eith me. That would suck but it's true. But I feel like it isn't in some tiny way. But I used to feel it. I saw it. Well more like imagined but who cares. I hope no one. Though I selfishly want people to care. I'm just drowning lives in my misery, searching for someone to save me when no one can't I feel like I have thought this before. I will be a happy child at school. And in life.just so they don't frown or drown. Because it hurts to see that. And I hate being sad and drowning others to. So I'm going to be happy on the outside no matter what. I still want happiness don't get me wrong. It's just that idk how to find it yet? Is yet and question mark applying. I feel like it can apply but something is nagging me. I feel no need to say goodnight to myself, if there is just two selves. I will probably read webtoon rn.im telling myself to shut up right now. Shut up so I can sleep. Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up. I will keep trying."

So that was interesting like what did I do with my life!?! I kinda was really... dark at that time? I don't even know... there's a lot of typos in there tho so it also doesn't make sense. But like what the heck was I thinking... was I even ok? Probably not