Teenage Therapy

365 days ago.

17/10/19

Today it's been exactly a year since he asked me to be his. I remember every detail.
We laid in a hammock, were a bit tipsy because of the alcohol in our blood, looked in each other's eyes and out of a sudden he asked me if I remember the day of his birthday party. Of course I did! I mean, I told him my feelings. Then he wanted to know if I still felt the same way back then, and I did. "Do you still wanna be my girlfriend?", were his exact words right after and I remember that I was the happiest I've been in a long time.

He was my rock, my best friend and it may sound cringe or even tacky, but I had the feeling that he was kind of my soulmate.
It was my last evening there and he had to go home early because he needed to go to work, which made me a bit sad. But before he drove away he told me he loved me and it seemed that my heart had stopped for a second till I responded with "I love you more.".

I felt great and like the happiest girl alive.

Litte did I know it wouldn't last that long, because just a month and four days later we broke up. He didn't told me the reasons for it neither did he tried to work it out — he just let me go and it broke me.
Till today that date was the most painful day in my life and I remember how I ran downstairs and hugged my mother without saying a word. It was a moment I couldn't describe, because I never felt that way and I was overwhelmed by the things that just had happened.

It took me seven to eight months to get over him. And not gonna lie: that shit was hard and as dumb as it sounds, it helped me even though I got tired of him always being on my mind.
I listened to sad songs, cried my eyes out at night, ate a lot of shit and tried to hide my emotions about this topic — it worked, but every time someone mentioned his name I had tears in my eyes. My friends hated him for it and tried to make me smile every now and then. My sister was a great, maybe even the best, listener I've had and I couldn't be more thankful to have her by my side. She just hugged me, told me everything would be okay and didn't judged me for the things I said.

Till today she had and still has a big impact on it.

Besides all the bad stuff I went through, I learned a lot new things and not only about myself, also about life.
I began to accept and love myself, do what I want, express myself how I want and not care about other people's opinions. By doing all those things I came to the realization that making yourself a priority is the best thing a person could and should do. You feel the change and you begin to glow, don't think a lot about negativity and you're definitely being yourself.

365 days ago I thought I was the happiest I've ever been and it just fucked with my head during this awful time. But after getting broken up with, I didn't thought I could ever be this happy again — not without him.
I was wrong, because today I can say that I don't need him anymore to make me happy. I learned to make myself happy by just living life the fullest with all the people you love, making memories and doing new things every now and then. Also loving myself, accepting my body and the way I am helped me to be happy by myself. I'm not saying there aren't any moments where I'm not crying at night, don't wanna talk to anybody or not having a good day, but it got better by just letting time heal my wounds.

2019 was by far the best year and it made me so much stronger and braver than I already am. Even if the first five to six months at the beginning of this year were hard for me, I got through it and still made so many new experiences, memories and friends that I'm glad about taking so much time to learn more about myself and to let everything heal.
Because after those months I had the time of my life and I still have the rest of October, November and December to make it even more fun than it already is.

I'm thankful for the moments I had with him, because he is and forever will be my first real love and as we all know: "Your first love will always be in your heart." and I appreciate it. I'm glad I met him and that it went down how it is today. He had his reasons and even if I don't really know them, I respect his decision — I just hope he's just as happy as I am and does what he thinks is right.
I'm thankful for the good and bad memories and the ones I'm about to experience with the people who are always by my side, accept me and know how to handle my bullshit.

Since that has now been said, I hope you will get through anything even if it seems hopeless and you think you aren't strong enough. That's not true.
I moved on and so can you. Now go and show them that you're brave, strong and beautiful. With or without them — it doesn't matter.

Love y'all,
xx