Robstar Shorts

Truth Be Told

[angst][T][771 words]

     Truth be told, it was all because of you.

I never would have lived for as long as I have if it wasn't for you. I was so lost when you found me, everything was a falling apart and I couldn't find an escape.

Most would say I found you, and even I sometimes think so too. But one look back and I know I'm wrong.

If you never ended up on this shit-hole I call home, things would have been different. So, so different.

I think about it sometimes. I don't want to, it hurts; but what if you hadn't been there- I hadn't been there. We would have never met, and I don't know where I would be today if that had happened.

I never told you about how i felt that first time i saw you. In all honesty, i don't even know myself. I saw the most beautiful girl i'd ever seen in my life, and I was captivated- even as she threatened to kill me, to destroy my city.

Over the years you touched me in a way no one else had. I've never let myself become so invested and attached to someone, but with you it was easy to throw caution to the wind.

You always understood me even if your english was never the best. Most of the time our communication wasn't verbal anyway, it was told in the way we looked at each other, or the way we knew exactly what to do or how the other was feeling. I felt connected, like I've never felt before.

I wanted to tell you how much I loved you, I wanted with my entire soul to. Maybe things would have been different. Maybe we could have kissed. Dated. Gotten married. Or maybe we would drift. I don't know, and I don't think I ever will.

Every time you got hurt I felt like it was my fault. You were strong and couldn't be easily knocked around, but you were vulnerable around me and i hate that I couldn't do more to heal that deeply damaged girl who turned to me when she was so destroyed.

I remember the time I let you sleep in my bed because how emotionally wrecked you were feeling. You were shaking all over and sobbing like I've never seen you sob before. You just... fell into my arms, and you fit perfectly. It felt so right and so wrong at the same time.

I regret how I pushed you away. I didn't want to hurt you, but maybe I already had. I thought I was doing the right thing in ignoring my feelings, but I was doing the opposite.

I felt like I could read you, but at the same time I couldn't. I can read people well, something most people were uncomfortable with. And with you, it felt like I knew how you were feeling, how something could affect you. And at the same time... i didn't know if you felt the things I feel for you. I didn't know if the clues I were seeing were real, or they were me desperately looking for them.

Maybe if I had been more open to you about my feelings, things wouldn't be as hard now. or maybe they would have been worse. I guess I'll never know.

Maybe if I hadn't yelled at you, you would have stayed. If I had just picked up the phone when you called, or listened to the other's when they called for an emergency. I was being selfish and an idiot. I regret that moment. I regret it so fucking much.

I felt so numb after I heard what happened. I didn't scream. I didn't cry. I guess some part of me didn't believe it. I think it still does. But i'm just in denial.

I still haven't accepted it, so I don't think it's hit me as hard as it will. I know when i finally stop being an idiot it will tear me apart. I'm so terrified of what I'll do, or what the future'll bring.

I don't know what I'll do now. After this I'll probably go sleep, like i've been doing for the past... week. I don't think I've left my room since the news. I don't see the point.

I love you. I wish I could have told you. The last thing you could have heard from me could have been those words.

I'm sorry that I let you die. I know it's my fault. If I had listened things wouldn't have turned out this way.

I'm sorry

-Dick