Summertime (Frerard)

43: I'm Better Off When I Hit The Bottom

It wasn't okay, though, and perhaps I hated that more than I hated being wrong.

And it wasn't that I'd lied to him, I just hated the fact that what I'd said in optimism hadn't quite lined up with reality, because unlike me, neither Gerard's mother, nor poor Mikey Way, had quite seen Gerard's world as much as I had today. 

They hadn't seen just what Bert McCracken was like, and I wondered if they even knew the whole truth either, because from where I was sitting Bert was a manipulative asshole, and perhaps, where Gerard had ended up now was nothing but his fault.

But the murder - Gerard had killed someone, and although taking it gently at first, perhaps just for Gerard's benefit, and for the sake of keeping the peace between us, but now, now as I stood in the kitchen doorway, knowing was okay anymore, and especially not what Gerard had done, and I began to wonder just how easily it could have been someone like my mother, and the moment that thought leapt to mind, I wanted to stop it, but I guess God, or karma or something, disagreed, as time only seemed to slow down, my heart beating heavy in my chest with realisation.

And I felt like a bystander, and worst of all, I was a bystander, and in the state I stood - frozen, I felt almost as if there was nothing I could do regarding the aforementioned situation, but I didn't want Gerard to have to go down like this, even if it was drowning him in a sea of morality; a wake up call, I just didn't think he deserved it, anyone deserved it.

Except maybe Bert McCracken; for what he'd done, and for who he'd done it to, I reckoned an exception could be made. And my heart fell to stone as I laid my eyes upon Mikey, with a vague knowledge as to what haunted him every single day, and how it was regarded with nothing but disrespect, and at times, even without the necessity of regret.

I wondered if Mrs Way, if Donna, even knew, and from the look of anger forming on her face at the scene around her, I hazarded a guess that she didn't, and despite the fact I felt like she should, Mikey's business wasn't mine to tell. 

Right now, Gerard's, however, seemed as if it was, and I didn't stop my thoughts long enough to even briefly question the morality of such a statement, stepping forward and joining my boyfriend in the kitchen, grabbing his hand in a gesture I think just about no one expected, and perhaps it was foolish of me to stand by him, even with what he'd done, but there was just this fucking stupid little thing called love getting in the way of my brain functioning properly.

But the thing was, when it related to Gerard, I couldn't careless at all, because with him, I'd rather stand in the wrong than stand alone, and perhaps that was toxic, but perhaps some things just had to be. We're always such an all or nothing kind of relationship, and that certainly didn't seem to be in any hurry to change.

And perhaps things were just better that way, because I wouldn't rather it be anything else.

"Gerard doesn't deserve you going after him and picking up the pieces of these tantrums he's throwing." Mrs Way tossed an offhand comment as she gave up in her attempts to get Mikey up off the floor, or stop crying at the very least, and made her way over to the cabinet, and pulled out a packet of pills, sliding them across the countertop.

"Your medication's there for you to fucking take, Gerard!" And at that point, the room had frozen and even Mikey's sobs had subdued, his bloodshot gaze peering up from the floor to the untouched pills on the countertop, and the guilty yet unregretful look upon his brother's face.

"I... I... I... I..." The sentence never made its way from Gerard's lips, a stutter taking its place and receiving nothing but impatient and generally apathetic glances from his mother and brother, leaving me shell-shocked and almost alien in the belief that perhaps he didn't deserve all of this, and perhaps it wasn't even bias when even Gerard himself didn't believe it, guilt overwhelming him as he spoke.