where's my happy ending?

an intorduction

monday, august 5th 2019

Hi, my name is Emma. I'm 16 years old and live in Kentucky. I have a family, friends, and what should be an amazing life but something is wrong. I'm not happy but I'm not sad either, I know how lucky I am to have the life that I do, I go to a private school, I have food on my table, and I don't want for much. Yet, still I'm not happy, I'm in this place where life doesn't seem worth living, it seems like everything and everyone around me is moving happily towards the future excited for what's to come. Yet, here I am barely able to get out of bed on the morning let alone actually do something with my life. But, this is something I can do. I can write out what I'm feeling so that maybe it'll make me feel better or maybe it'll even help others. I'm not really sure but I just feel like I should do it so here I am writing this.

Here is a list of 10 things about me that you should know before I start telling my story...

1) I think I have an eating disorder-I'm not sure, I was for a while but now I don't know and currently that's a big part of my life and it will likely be a big part of my writing so if that is triggering to you please don't read ahead.

2) I like girls- like I like like girls, I think I like boys too but I go to an all girls school and it's hard to tell sometimes. If you have a problem with this fact than just go ahead and leave now. I don't want your hate and frankly I don't deserve it so please just don't give it to me.

3) I'm afraid of guns- I've had a few past traumatic experiences that have left me terrified of guns and violence in general so when writing about any forms of physical violence I'm likely to be messy and emotional and I really hope you'll be able to understand that.

4) My favorite color is yellow- I like the color yellow because of its connotation. Yellow is meant to be this happy and joyous color that brightens everything around it so I've surrounded myself with yellow. I wear yellow, I write in yellow, my room is yellow.

5) I'm a Christian- I believe in God and Jesus and that he is our savior and that we need to love others and show them forgiveness the way he shows it to us. This belief has shaped my worldview and if you aren't ok with that this may not be the story for you.

6) I'm smart- I know this is gonna come off as really self righteous and bratty but I am like peak stereotypical gifted kid who peaked in elementary school and that's a part of my story so I feel like I should tell it. Also I'm sure after saying this I'm gonna get a lot of flack for my crappy grammar but English was never my strong suit so I hope you'll forgive me.

7) I write in a mixture of first and second person- this is because to my whole goal in writing this story is to sort through my emotions and to do so I've resorted in writing to what seems like some fake person. I completely understands if this bothers and you need to stop reading.

8) My family is weird- I have an odd relationship with my parents, my dad and I don't talk much even though we live in the same house and my mom and I have this odd strained relationship that is just generally not good but my parents are together and both of them do try there very best to be positive influences in my life.

9) Im an ambivert-  I used to think i was a full blown extrovert but than this year happened and now even though I still love talking to people I'm to shy and exhausted to be around new people for more than a few hours.

10) Ive never been to a therapist- because of this I will not be diagnosing myself with anything like anxiety, depression, etc. Although  I may use these words as verbs when saying things like: I feel anxious or I feel depressed. When you see sentences like this please know I do not claim to be diagnosed with any form of mental illness.

so I think that's the basics I may kind of zoom in on each if these as a chapter to begin my story or I might just kind of see how they come up in telling my life and address them organically. I'm not really sure, anyway I hope you've made it this far and are enjoying me spilling all my thoughts out onto this platform. I'll write the next part soon.

I love you,
Emma