Elantine Editing [Closed]

@BronxCrusader - Children of the Archangels

Overall Review: BronxCrusader

From the very first sentence, there were lots of great things about the way you wrote. Not only was the setting and plot-line interesting (I like where it's going, especially with the parts you include in the blurb), you have an amazing ability to add comedy to your writing. The story reads like a satire. You're also very good with similes, and your chapters have the perfect length: not too long and not too short. I also loved Luke's concern for Nellie through-out, something that rounded him as a character and made him seem more realistic.

Most of the time, you also showed the scene. However, a few times I thought there could be more showing: when you introduced Kevin (is there any way you can let us know who he is via their words or memories?), and when explaining the effects of holy water (can you describe it more fully? Which qualities make Luke know immediately in chapter 2 that the new arrivals' weapons are slathered with it?).

There were also a few other things I thought you could work on:

Several times, the tenses changed or were used incorrectly, especially in relation to Simple Past Perfect + Conditional. These frequent tense changes in the narrative can slow the reader down. 

Furthermore, while I loved the concept of your story, the fun descriptions of Kevin and his stinky hands (lol) as well as the comedic aspects, I thought the casual tone slowed the pace down. I felt as if I was learning the story from a traveller who was telling me the tale from inside the book pages - instead of feeling like I was there with the characters, right up front. It seemed strange to me that Luke could be so casual when an arrow hit his gut, when he hit a ledge after falling off a cliff, etc. Earlier it was realistic that he had doubts about Kevin, though. Is there any way you can heighten his emotions by showing the way his body feels (e.g. goosebumps rose along his arms), his thoughts etc? When he hits the ledge, which parts of him hurt? How does it really stop him? Maybe you can also use stronger impact words - verbs that are indicative of strong movement. They could increase the pace too. 

One example of the casual dealing with injury, pain and otherwise traumatic situations is: "So not only was Luke tired, but now he had to deal with a bloody arrow in his gut." Can you describe his pain? The scent of blood, perhaps, and how it affects him? Does it make him nauseous? Afraid? Or is he unfeeling about it? If so, why?

I also had one last question, although it might be revealed in the next chapters to come: how did the arrivals know to arrive with weapons against the demon? Do they have some kind of alarm system or student-tracking device?

Overall, your story is well-written, although some things could induce the pace and perhaps make less light of a serious situation. (The serious situations and the characters' reactions to them will also hook readers even more.) However, you have hit the comedic aspect spot on. You write in a satirical, funny writing style that is easy to read and enjoy. Your story concept is interesting - how must he lose his innocence? - and your portrayal of the characters' personalities seems realistic. I liked Luke's goals and concern, Kevin's realistic aspects and the natural doubt that jumps up in Luke in such a strange situation. Keep going and feel free to ask me about anything I haven't mentioned or leave some feedback on my reviewing!