Elantine Editing [Closed]

@aSaltyWriter - Tempestatem

Overall Review: aSaltyWriter

Your story went in a direction I had not expected. I loved the way it started and continued - Aaron was a funny character, that's for sure - and you made a good job of characterising Neha through her dialogue. I could imagine her in my mind as a kind, sweet mother. You also have a way of writing beautiful description. When you show instead of tell, your writing becomes compelling, suspenseful and vivid. 

However, in the first chapter especially, you told instead of showed very often. You went through the evening instead of showing us exactly what's happening: what smells are there? Can you show us Gales' friends enthusiasm through their words and actions instead of telling us how excited they are? You also say that Gale was thoroughly enjoying himself. Is there any way you can show that? Can you show us how he moves, what he says, perhaps even descriptions like 'a glow in his chest' or his eyes 'lighting up' to show us this instead of telling us? These are the things I think you have to work on. 

For now, I'm also not sure how the start of the story - which begins in the school classroom - will affect the story later. I wonder if it's relevant. Will we see the teacher again? Or return to that school? If it isn't relevant, you can cut it out and jump straight to Neha looking at her son in the mirror, or the party itself. I wondered if you feared how long the text would become if you described every aspect, but jumping straight into the story, the setting and the characters will make this even better. Already, you write beautifully. This is something to hone your skills and improve even further. 

Furthermore, I look forwards to seeing a further characterisation of Gale. I wondered who he really was when he fought the shadow - because although he did it with courage and skill, perhaps even religious belief, I had thought he was somewhat reserved in the first chapter. I look forwards to finding out more about him: what his virtues, flaws and speech patterns are. What he likes and doesn't like - what makes him special.

Also, there were several grammar mistakes. Most of them are in relation to  Simple Past Perfect, also known as Past Perfect (Simple). Maybe review this. Lastly, I noticed you used adverbs frequently. In fiction, I've often been advised not to do that. For example, I once described someone as doing something 'eerily'. A reviewer told me 'eery' was already present in the context, and that adverbs can often slow the pace down. Some adverbs can be great, but I just wanted to tell you the advice I've been told. If you can incorporate the description in your choice of words, that's the best. 

This may seem like a lot of critique, but overall your story has a great start to it. The ending of your first chapter is a cliff hanger. Despite describing more than using dialogue (a balance you can still work to achieve), the dialogue you do write is realistic and imaginable. The details you choose to share - like Neha's observation of the picture of her tenth anniversary - are well chosen and portray a bigger picture and give the readers hints about Gale's situation without fully revealing it. Great work - keep going! 

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