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@TwinkleMelodics: When Trouble Comes

Overall Review - @TwinkleMelodics

When I started reading, soon I didn't want to stop. Your writing style is easy to read, your grammar is almost flawless and you have a good balance between description and dialogue. You also used a variety of well-chosen verbs and words like 'scrutinise' to describe actions. I enjoyed reading your chapters and going on the journey with your likeable main character, Alyssa - and I might just return to it later.

I did find a few typos and questioned a few things, and I noticed your main trouble, grammar-wise, is with commas. You often use too many.

I also found the beginning of your very first chapter was worse than the writing that followed: you told more (with less showing) while trying to keep things a mystery. Your story is, as I understand it, a crime-story, but at the beginning, try to keep a few things clear: who the character is (unless that is the mystery). Maybe you can also show us some of her thoughts when she sees certain things. Later, you do this brilliantly. The fight scene between Jason and Devon was full of reactions - which I loved.

Another thing I liked was that, from the very start, Jaden wasn't a flat character. He gets annoyed at Alyssa for intervening, yet he intervenes himself - and this makes him a round character with more depth I hope to continue reading about.

You also had great character relationships and the endings of your chapters were always satisfying. After you look at the comments I left, there's only one last thing I'd like to suggest:

You start the book with a chapter warning the reader that they may get confused because of the twists and mysterious circumstances. I wouldnt recommend this for several reasons:
Books should never be confusing, unless it's in a positive way. If a reader is confused and can't navigate through the story, there's something you need to change. Mystery stories can make people think, can increase tension - but a bad sense of confusion might turn readers away. Hence, your note might also turn readers away before they can even give your book - which I found very enjoyable - a chance. You're very welcome to write about the plot twists, and how there's mystery at the end, but implying that there will be confusion and that readers need to be patient, can turn them away. Hence, even though it's not part of the story, I would strongly recommend changing that.

Apart for that and a few places you can edit and improve (have a look yourself where you can do more showing instead of telling - you already show a good amount, but you can still show more; I'm sure you can hone your writing even further) your book already has a lot of potential. Even though I think you can still improve showing and not telling in some places, although your showing was brilliant during action-packed scenes like the fight scene, reading your story is already enjoyable; the pacing is already flowing, the writing balanced, your characters flawed yet likeable (though I'm yet to see why Jason behaves the way he does...).

Good luck for further writing! Hope this helped. Feel free to leave feedback on the service I've provided or ask about something I've said!