Elantine Editing [Closed]

@M-Dola: With the Whole of Me

Prologue

I love the way you start and end. Your first and last sentences are poignant, bringing emotions across. However, I did find the chapter a bit confusing. When the child thought, You watching this, Father? Are you really not going to intervene? it confused me, because I had the impression that the father was doing the beating, in which case he wouldn't be intervening. Is there any way you could introduce characters in a different way, or rather tell us their names one by one? When Marcus, Emily and Kevin's names were introduced, I felt confused too - who was who? That's the only critique for this chapter. You write with few grammar mistakes, and your first sentence was hooking.

Chapter 1

Again, you do an amazing job of bringing emotions across. Your dialogue, too, worked really well. There are, however, a few things I'd like to point out:

- Kevin says he'd respected and loved his father, even though he's now standing against him, he's watched his father beat his mother all his life, and he's meant to fear him. I don't know if these emotions would make sense for him towards his dad.

- There were several grammar mistakes, many of which I pointed out. Pay attention to tense inconsistencies or wrong tense choice at the start of the chapter.

- You use adverbs correctly, but I've often been told to avoid using adverbs. They can be unnecessary.

- There are several places where you can show instead of tell by using more description: how are the people in the room moving? What are their faces like? What does the pastor do? However, you already do well, especially with dialogue.

I love the conflict you've created between father and child, and child and guilt. I feel that Marcus' speech is realistic, and I like how you've made Kevin react to it. His speech in front of the crowd was well-crafted and realistic - not cheesy either. I did find some parts confusing, so I commented questions when I wasn't sure what was going on. I'm also glad I found out who he regards as Abba in this chapter! Kudos on the emotions.

Chapter 2

A few questions: What happened to Marcus after the funeral - were there any investigations? If not, why not? Is this story going to be about how Kevin finds a joy in life again? ;)

I believe it's unrealistic for Elizabeth to take over her Mum's practice when she can't make it - I'm not sure it's legal. I didn't quite understand the situation with the brothers, although I liked the concept. Do they live together? Or just meet up regularly? Also, Kevin is ten, as we find out here. Is Elizabeth also? Is it realistic for Kevin to want to kill someone at this age? It's possible that it is, but it's something to think about when you edit over.

There's one grammar mistake you make frequently. When two main clauses are set side by side, you often join them with a comma. Let me illustrate. Let's take the two sentences: He ate cheese, she watched. Having the comma there is not right grammar-wise. However, you can write it:

He ate cheese, and she watched.

He ate cheese; she watched.

or: He ate cheese. She watched. 

So those are some of the possibilities you can use. Check through your chapters for this mistake!

Again, I love your dialogue. You have a great way of making characters spring to life through their words. I love the way you characterised Elizabeth, and the relationship you formed between her and Kevin. Nice!

Chapter 3

I loved how this chapter ended! There were, again, several mistakes, but I loved the introduction of a new character at the beginning and the explanation of the story's title at the end. The conversation between Kevin and the Pastor was realistic and made sense, as good as the rest of your dialogue. There was a part of Elizabeth's prayer that I didn't understand, and I pointed mistakes out here and there, mainly to do with your use of speech marks. Overall, though, this was your best chapter yet - and an easy read. You have a good balance between description and dialogue. Keep going! I hope this review was helpful to you, and I wish you much luck with your editing. If you want to leave a review on how my services were, I appreciate it. If not, that's okay too. 

Good luck!

-Hadley S.-