Against Tomorrow

Chapter 1

Girl find's notebook on beach

Okay okay, good. What happens next?

She then goes searching for the owner.

No. Too basic, we can do better.

Notebook is full of stories. The girl starts to write the stories as her own ideas when the owner finds out. 

Good. We're getting somewhere. What next? What's the selling point?

It's her brothers best friend?

Perfect.

A sudden eureka springs in my head, jolting motivation and determination through my body. I cling onto the idea, flipping through my phone for a perfect song for this moment. This needs the right mood.

What's her name?

Jasmine?

No, doesn't fit.

Monica?

Ugh, still not right.

Oh! Yolanda! Perfect.

Yolanda and Chris: the unexpected soulmates.

I flip my computer open, pushing the gears in my head further.

The motivation starts to dwindle whilst typing my password.

No. No. Keep thinking. Where is it set?

Jersey maybe? Or just simple Florida?

Come on. Put in more effort.

Once logged in, ideas and plots begin to fade from my head, the serotonins hanging on for dear life.

We can do this. Keep going. What should the cover be of?

I don't know.

Don't be like that. We can do this.

Fine. Search a simple flower picture on Google?

No, generic.

Nothing else fits.

I quickly type in the website I use for a writing format, keeping the story alive and awake in my head.

What school do they go to?

...

Hello?

...

Hello??

Once loaded, the blank white page taunts me. The heart beat of the perfect story a mere loving memory at this point.

No words. No ideas. Just "Chapter one" sitting in the title heading, mocking my failed attempt to even add an "I".

There it goes again. The feeling. Or, the lack of feeling. Whichever one. It hurts. It hurts inside my head.

I haven't written a single chapter in over 6 months. In a writers perspective, that's basically 3 years at this point. Nothing feels right on paper. All the characters, settings and plots just fall short when brought into reality.

I can't. I can't deal with this again.

Disappointment begins to scratch in my mind. Bringing along its good old friends; self hatred and depression.

With a reluctant sigh, I close my computer. The thought of my dormant activities these past months brings a chuckle through my throat.

Nothing's been easy this year. Family problems, financial issues, medical emergencies. It's all just snuck up on us this year. And to top it off, the only outlet to my problems I've ever had is nowhere to be found, leaving me in a mental jail cell of dark thoughts.

I get up, listening to the pleas of my stomach. Once out my room, I notice the surrounding darkness in the house. It's already 9 pm. I creep across my parents room in hopes of bringing some bright conversation in this depressing dark house. And to my luck. The only conversations spoken in their room are from the detectives bringing a cold killer to justice on the TV.

Making my way to the kitchen, the intrusive thoughts start to fill my head, feeding me more than any food in here can. The deep darkness rising. Bringing itself to be noticed. But I try to ignore it.

Flopping cheese and ham on a plain piece of honey wheat bread, I think of a daydream I'm more than fond of. 

The story goes; a cute stranger and I met at the fair, stealing looks from each other in the line waiting for the Ferris wheel. Once my cousin, Bailey, and I get on, there's no sight of where him and his friends went after the ride. Going up and down a few times, we finally get off, making our way to one last ride before leaving. When... gasp! He's there, waiting for me. "Hey! Wait!" I turn to him, poorly hiding the shock and excitement on my face. "I'm sorry, I don't mean for this to come off weird," which we both know you do. "But I saw you in line, and I wanted to know if I could get your number?" Our first smile shared after that, and many others since then.

The thought just makes me even more sad. And more pathetic honestly. Frustration rises in my body. I look out to the lake in the back of our complex, the street lights rippling off the quiet waves. My eyes divert to a bottle of absolute vodka near the sink. 

My Id becomes more attentive in my head, keeping my ego hostage as my super ego is nowhere to be found. Before giving it any more thought, I quietly grab the bottle. I pour way too much than needed to get drunk and mix it with some Arizona green tea, covering up my sins with pouring water in the bottle. I tip toe back into my room, making sure I don't trigger the rickety tile on the floor. I leave my door slightly open, knowing I wouldn't hear the end of it in the morning for breaking the 'no closed door' rule. 

 I smell my concoction I put in a Flanagan's cup, burning any sense of smell I had before. Holding my nostrils closed, I chug it down. I can feel the alcohol making its way from my throat to my stomach, making a quick impression on me. A slight buzz starts to take over the dark thoughts in my head, making this night a little bit better. I get up and dispose of the alcohol drenched  cup. The vodka has inserted itself into my bloodstream fully by the time I get to my room. 

There's a funny thing about getting drunk. You're so aware of your actions and words, but none of it is anything you know you would do on your own volition. Like watching life through your eyes with another persons hands controlling. In my case, the person controlling my hands are very horny. 

Feeling a tingle for excitement, I open my phone to snapchat. Sliding through the many boys I added on there for this exact occasion, I finally find someone I know will be willing to have a little fun. 

Hey,you up?

Yeah, why? 

A cheeky grin appears on the side of my lip when I see Tyler's notification. A boy I've been pinning over for months in the hopes that he'll soon realize I'm the person he wants to spend his entire life with. Obsessive, I know. But, there's nothing the rational side of my brain can do once the manic pixie side has taken control. 

I take off my shirt and take a picture of my breast,  making sure I squish them together close enough. 

Just wondering if you'd like to see more ;)

He saves the picture the instant he opens it. 

I'm down for a little more, sexy. 

At this point in my life, I've been so deprived of male attention that I'd do anything to gain it. My father being the man with little emotion that he is, it's never occurred to me just how much I'm screwed up until my old therapist said something about it. I don't even blame him for it- his childhood was no better. Feelings have never been an easy thing on his side of the family, and now the curse had been brought upon my brother and I. But I know I won't be the same once I have my own children. It's the fact of finding someone who would want to procreate with me in the future that's difficult. 

But hey, I guess I can have a little fun while searching.