* J *

Part Twenty-Four: Chapter 178: Regrets

Jason raises a green eyebrow, "It's not some tribal done shit with animal bones is it?"

"No, but I'm sure I can arrange that if it sounds more appealing to you," the Joker grins big.

"That's ok bro, don't put yourself out any. I'll make the best of it," Jason smirks.

"You sure? I'd kind of like to see the look of pain on your face."

"Yeah, I'm sure," Jason rolls his eyes and looks at his reflection in the mirror again.

The Joker's smile disappears as he stares at Jason. Jason was so close to becoming him that it made him...sad. It was like an unwelcome confirmation that he was dying. He wasn't ready to die, but his symptoms remind him daily that his time is running out. Everyone would carry on as if nothing had happened. As if he had never been. The Joker's hand rests at his temple as he closes his eyes for a moment.

"Headache?" He hears Jason asking.

He opens his eyes and lowers his hand, "Always," he nods, "No matter what I try, it just never seems to go away."

"Aside from the headache, how are you?" Jason asks with a genuine look of concern for his brother.

The Joker looks down with a sigh, "The vision in my left eye is shot. I have muscle spasms all over, sometimes all day long. My feet drag when I walk, and I can't walk without my cane. Soon I'll most likely be confined to a wheelchair. I have these spells where I can't even get my words out of my mouth right. I can't put on weight, no matter how much I eat. I break out in cold sweats all the time. And if all that isn't enough, I can't stop thinking about dying."

"I thought you weren't afraid to die. I thought you actually wanted to," Jason watches him run his hand over his face.

"I can remember the first time I thought about dying. I was stuck inside Arkham. On the weekends the patients families would come for a visit. The children would run and laugh and play in the courtyard while the adults talked. I'd watch them from the window and wonder how they could be so blissfully unaware? They were completely uncaring and oblivious to what kind of place they were visiting. I knew I was nothing like them, even if I desperately wanted to be. I was only ten years old and I knew I'd never have a normal place in this world. I would never know the joy of being a child, yet, I wasn't old enough to be a man. Life didn't look very promising to me. I knew that as I aged I would only gain more and more hardships. I was overwhelmed with disappointment because I knew no lengthy amount of a hospital stay would ever rewrite my past. And yet, I couldn't stop it from altering my future. I didn't see any significant reasons to continue on. So I saved up my meds all week long. I took them one night, having every intention of killing myself. I woke up four days later in the infirmary. Some patient saw me on the floor as they passed my room and got the nurse. They pumped my stomach and put me on suicide watch for three months." The Joker pauses as a sad smile covers his face, "It's funny actually, every time I've ever tried to end it all, somebody stops me. Yet I hear at least every few nights on the news how they want their vigilante justice, how they'll electrocute me, or give me a lethal injection. Where are those nay sayers when I'm trying to do the job for them?"

Jason didn't know what to say really. At one point he himself had wanted the Joker executed. "It's a fucked up world we live in J," he shrugs.

"As was always my sentiments. But now, knowing that my fate is stamped, sealed and waiting to be mailed...I find myself longing for more time. Isn't it odd how the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence? And it's that way no matter what the circumstances may be. We are a species that can't be pleased. A race plagued with regrets. I used to think I was ahead of the curve by not giving into regretful thinking, but all I was really doing was delaying the inevitable."

"So even the Joker has his regrets huh?" Jason asks.

"Even I can't escape the human condition my brother," he shrugs. "Remember when I told you that I wasn't afraid of dying?"

"Yes," Jason nods.

"It was a lie. I'm...I'm terrified of it. I've spent most of my life making sure I wouldn't be ignored. But what is death if it isn't to be forgotten with the passing of time? It's not as if I've made this big contribution to mankind. I've not created anything that shall surpass time."

"People remember serial killers too J," Jason says.

The Joker huffs, "I wanted to be more than some serial killer or mob gangster. For a while I was happy to be Batman's opposite. I felt a purpose in it."

"Did I ruin that for you?" Jason uneasily asks.

"No. This was the plan. You didn't ruin anything with Bruce. I'm the only one that should carry that blame. I couldn't allow him to keep loving me Jason. It was a dead end street right off a cliff," the Joker sadly answered.

"But don't you want the chance to tell him goodbye?" Jason can't help but ask. He knew his brother truly loved Bruce. And he was pretty sure that Bruce loved him back.

"I've already said my goodbye to him," the Joker looks down.

"J, he's not even going to know when you die. He deserves the chance to say goodbye to you," Jason argues.

"That's because I'm leaving you behind in my place," he explained.

"And how exactly does that work? The Joker is supposed to die from an inoperable brain tumor," Jason feels the need to point out.

"And I have the up most trust in whatever lie you come up with to explain the Joker's recovery. A miraculous drug break through. Surgery. It doesn't exactly matter as long as no one gives you an MRI. I'm sure you're capable of avoiding one."

"And what do I do should Bruce try to kiss me or something?" Jason quirks his green eyebrow again. "To him I'll be you, and to him we've jumped in the sack a few times."

"He won't be trying anything," the Joker shakes his head. "If by some strange coincidence he does, manufacture the evidence to prove that Jason Todd was his half brother. Then it's a lifetime guarantee that he will hate you to your dying breaths."

"What if he finds out the truth? That I'm not the Joker and that the Joker he loves is dead? Do you have any idea what the truth would do to him?" Jason asks.

The Joker nods, "It would turn his entire world upside down. He would be angry because he wasn't given the chance to say his goodbyes. He would be furious with you for staging your death and resurrecting yourself as me. He would hold a grudge and he would come after you. He'd put you away, be it Arkham or prison. So I suggest you try your best to keep this secret from him."

"What if I have to kill anyone who knows?" Jason wonders.

The Joker looks at him, "Harley knows. Are you saying you'd kill her?"

"No not her. I care about her J. She's to be mine," he says softly.

"Tell me dear brother, you expect Harley to return your affections, correct?" The Joker asks Jason.

"Well, not right away. Obviously she's gotta mourn you. But with time, yes, I hope she will come to love me as she's loved you," Jason nods.

"And what if she doesn't ever come around Jason? What if she simply can't love again? What if every time she looks at you she misses me? What if she only leaves you feeling rejection? What's to become of my wife then?" The Joker asks feeling uneasy.

"J, if she wants to walk away I won't stop her. I promise to still look after her, reguardless of whatever does or doesn't happen between us," Jason assures him.

The Joker smiles, "It's funny that I never even had to pursue her. She stalked me for months before I'd even give her the time of day. I tried everything I possibly could to push her away. Now she's my wife and I find myself worrying about she'll be once I'm gone. I guess somewhere along the way I managed to fall in love with her. Now I'm left regretting those months of wasted time."