Flutter//Jaehyun

Chapter 4

June 30th, 2022

Working my shift tonight with the raging thoughts of yesterday made 8 hours feel like forever. Doyoungs name being brought up earlier triggered a part of my memory that was buried, along with my last conversation with my brother. 

I sit behind the main counter counting the slow minutes ticking by. Biting the skin on my lips, I strain my brain to prevent the creeping memory of my brother's last message to me. I begin to press my palm gently against the counter, fighting the urge to remember his typical jaunty voice saying something sweet like: "I love you!", "Don't worry about me", or maybe something rudely, charismatic of him: "Take care of yourself and maybe you won't fail school", "I love you but you're dumb". 

But the truth was that he was acting cagey for a while--which was something I couldn't notice at first because I was too busy with school and Doyoung and parties and things that didn't matter. My parents told me he would come home late. Sometimes he had a brooding shadow that dangled from his forehead, sometimes he would go straight to his room and cry. I press my hand harder on the surface of the counter, attempting to do the impossible and find a portal through the linoleum--disappear from this sickening reality. I want to forget the unjustifiable rage I feel towards my parents for not telling me about his abnormal eating habits, his night terrors, his feelings before it was too late. But it was my fault for not being there. 

I  was away at school. I  was the one who decided that Doyoung--a fresh beauty expanding my world during freshman year at college. He was kind to me and patient and everything opposite from me. My first boyfriend-- was more important. When the he needed to talk to me. He needed to talk to me.  

I vividly remember the day he called me--March 3rd, 2021. When I texted him that I couldn't talk, he called me again.

"Im calling to make sure you're safe."

When I responded that I was too busy to be safe, in a joking manner, he sprung specifically constructed message through the line:

"You have to stay safe, Dek. I'm asking you to take care of yourself."

And with a sharp sigh between his teeth he hung up.

After calling and texting him to repond to me--with no prevail-- my worry overcame me with thoughts of a potential suicide attempt. No, no, no, no. 

My stomach is turning quickly now, mimicking my nauseous state after that phone call an entire year ago.

But there was no visible injury staining his skin or any type internal malfunction. Nothing--as reported by the police. He had just died.

Racking my brain about the mystery of his sudden demise sickens me even more.  My skin feels like its boiling, crawling away, yet I feel a cold sweat running down the nape of my neck. Suddenly the mundane, tired and nearly empty diner overwhelms me and i'm unable to take in any oxygen. I squat for a second to try to calm my staggered breathing and palpatating heartbeat thumping in my ears but my stomach continues to spiral.  Fuck! I can't do this here! I can't freak out.

Mandy, my manager is now poised next to me, a cup of water hanging at the end of her dangled wrist.

I realize now that she is offering it to me whilst simultaneously rubbing my back.

This display of quiet affection--especially by Mandy of all people-- tugs at my already shambled self-esteem. I must look so pathetic right now.

I accept her gesture and chug the water until i'm able to compose myself again. When I breathe in a sharp filling breath of comforting coffee beans and day old pastries, Mandy speaks to me.