Flutter//Jaehyun

Chapter 1

June 21st, 2022

I couldn't tell my parents that I dropped out of college mid-sophomore year, but now that it's summer, I don't have to lie to them about my busy academic schedule. I wasn't a great liar which is why I decided to avoid their phone calls for a while. But maybe this is my chance to pretend like a normal student enjoying her summer break. 

I could leave my dark apartment and reconnect with old high school friends from my hometown. Go to parties hosted by people's names I don't remember and live like the rest of the fun-loving girls my age. I'm 20 and have never had a significant other. I could get to that. I close my eyes and think of the euphoric feeling i'd get from fresh, warm nights and the feeling of love circulating my being. If only I could go back and be that girl again; the free-flying, stylish, art girl.

I look up at the inspirational quote I suck above my mirror. I stand up slowly from my messy bed and press my thumb against it. Its gray and deeply wrinkled from the amount of times I've crushed and ripped it in rage. And yet it's still comprehensible, in it's tattered and desolate state. A glimmer of light rips through my curtain. Fuck, what time is it? 

"So you pulled an all-nighter, again? Jesus, what drugs are you on now?" My best friend says breathlessly through the phone.

"None!" I say rushing to grab everything I need for the day and shoving it in my bag. I scramble across the room, occasionally grabbing things I don't need but still toss it in. "And why are you out of breath? Kiana, please don't tell me y-"

"I'm on a run, I swear! I promised I wouldn't call you while having sex, even though your reaction was hilarious last time." She giggles and lets out an exhasperated sigh.

"Shit, I forgot I hate running."  She mentions as I grab my keys. I leave my apartment holding the phone to my ear and hear her mention a party. "I don't really want to go, but if you go, i'll go."

I try to think about the depressingly, uneventful schedule I have today. Something stops me from thinking about having fun tonight.

"You know...its perfectly alright to not be ready to go out."

I hear that sentence echo in my head for a bit as I forced my body to speed walk towards my bus stop. Its perfectly okay?Its not perfectly okay that you're grieving your brothers death for over year. Something is wrong with you. Something is wrong with you.

That last thought felt loud and stimulated a type of fear I didn't know I could feel. What is wrong with me?

"No, I want to go, I'm ready." I say in one breath. My eyes lock on a single dandelion resting on the ground below the bus stop pole. " I, uh, I gotta go Ki, my bus is coming and I'm so late to work. Please text me the details, though!" 

I quickly hang up after our goodbye's and approach the small plant. It was a lie that my bus was coming but I couldn't stay on the phone too long after thinking about what she said. Do I really look this broken to everyone?

The dandelion looks like it was plucked out of the ground and set down gently in this exact spot. What a strange thing to do. 

I squat down and pick it up gently.

"Who do you belong to?" I whisper. When it doesn't respond, I close my eyes and blow.

***

I check my phone again for the address Kiana sent me and see that my battery is running low. And of course didn't bring my charger. My navigation leads me down an alleyway and I am eternally grateful for the summer sun setting a bit later than usual. Kiana told me to call her when I was outside and just as I was about to click her contact name, she bursts through the back doors. A wild smile lightens up her face.