Disarray

27

"So what should we do?" Hoseok asked. "I can't back away from Jungkook. I'm the only person he really has. The only one he's trusted enough. And it's not like I truly want to stop being there. He's like a little brother."

"I don't know," I said after a while. "I guess suck it up? Just let that moment pass?"

He took a deep breath. "Honestly, I think I know that it'll pass and I just need to get through it. I guess I just wanted to talk to someone about it," Hoseok said. 

"I'm always here," I said in a softer tone. "I know I'm hostile sometimes or seem busy with things, but you're important to me."

"I worry sometimes that I'll burden people with my problems if I tell them how I'm feeling," Hoseok admitted. "Maybe in a way I just feel like everyone is supposed to deal with things on their own, even though I know that's ridiculous. Everyone needs someone."

"Yea," I said slowly. "I deal with a lot of things by myself too. Sometimes helping others makes me feel better though."

"Me too," Hoseok said. "Maybe that's why even though it's hard, we keep going back to help those who need us."

"Do you think you'd ever actually stop altogether?" I asked. "Just give up completely on Jungkook because it's hard for you."

"I couldn't," he said without hesitation.

I thought back to Tae and his bright smile. I hadn't seen him smile at me like that in so long. "I let him down and it's killing me," I said after a while.

"Then why don't you apologize and be there for him?" He didn't ask who I was talking about and I appreciated him for that.

"Because then that means means... well it means that I'll have to deal with a lot of things that I'm working really hard to avoid." Things like that kiss and the way that I've been mulling over my sexuality for the whole time that I've stayed away from Tae.  

"Is he worth it?" Hoseok asked. 

Tae's eyes and the way they used to light up when he saw me. The tight hugs that made me feel secure because I had him against me, and could I possibly have to fear if he was right there?

"Yes," I said with a course voice. The memories of Tae were stirring up many emotions. 

"Then you're just hurting both you and him," Hoseok said softly. 

"Do you think I'm being selfish?" I asked.

"I don't think it's my place to decide that," he said. "I don't know everything that's happened between you two so I can't judge. But I do know that you've looked better and I'm sure that this person has played a big part in that." I nodded in agreement.

Without Tae I had started to feel like there was nothing to really look forward to anymore. The time with Rose felt like I was betraying him and every time that I saw him looking so sad because of me, my heart broke. I'd never felt more pathetic than when he'd messaged to so desperately, asking me to simply be there and I'd ignored him because I was afraid. 

"Namjoon, I need advice too," Hoseok said, cutting into the silence between us. "I dont' like the way I've been feeling. I hate that it's getting close to indifference. How can I feel like that towards someone I love?"

"Maybe you need some time for yourself," I said slowly, thinking about my words a lot because I wanted to give him decent advice. "You're there for everyone and you carry their burdens, but no one helps you alleviate them. You're not their counselor and it's not your responsibility as a friend to help them heal."

Hoseok was quiet for a moment. "But..." He sighed. "You're right. I need to stop this. I don't even feel stable enough to take care of myself."

I nodded. "Exactly. You can't do everything for them." I smiled at him and put my hand on his shoulder. "I need you to take care of yourself Hobi, so I can selfishly ask for comfort while you tell me that comforting people is draining you."

Hoseok waved his hand at my words. "No, don't worry, this doesn't stress me out. It's more like, when it's something big. Like... Jungkook asks me for help with his serious problems and I feel like I say the stupidest things and then he thanks me for it. I don't get it. How am I helping him?"

"Maybe you're doing a lot more than you realize with a few words of comfort and you don't need to exert yourself," I said and suddenly I realized that it applied to things with Tae too. 

One thing that had stopped me from trying to reach out was the thought that Tae had many people that loved him and would be there for him. Yoongi and Jimin were always by his side and as much as Yoongi bothered me lately, at least I knew that he wouldn't be alone as long as they were there. 

I knew that he was surrounded with plenty of people to distract him... but none of them knew about the time we spend together. The things we'd do. Tae had told me that he only felt comfortable enough to tell me. I took away from him something that only I could give. And it might have been a small comfort, but he looked so crushed without it. 

The guilt was back with that thought. 

I felt so much hesitance to get back in Tae's life after all the damaged that I'd already caused. Wouldn't it be better to let him adjust to life without me?

"You're still thinking about that person?" Hoseok asked. I hadn't noticed that I'd started staring off at the wall in thought. 

I nodded.

"I'm probably the only idiot that hasn't caught on," Hoseok said with a chuckle. "But is this about Tae?"

I dreaded answering that, but thankfully I didn't have to.

"It's okay if you don't want to tell me," Hoseok said, his face making it clear that my silence was more than enough confirmation. "But all I'm going to say is that you're an idiot and go fucking talk to Tae or our friendship is over."

I raised an eyebrow at him and looked at him with shock. "What?"

"Kidding," he said with a smile. "Kind of. But for real," he said in a much more serious tone. "Don't hurt Tae. He's so adorable and so nice to all of us and I'm tired of seeing him be so sad and now that I know you're the asshole behind it, well, I'm not so politely telling you to man up and talk to him."

"It's not that simple," I said, burying my face in my hands. 

"Oh, but it is Namjoon," he said. I could hear a creak as he stood up from the bed and felt him pat my back after walking to me. "You're going to do it right now."

I looked up at him and frowned. "No."

"Yes," he said as he took my hand and pulled me up. 

"No," I whined as he dragged me to the door.

"Namjoon, don't be a stubborn ass bitch," he said as he opened it and tried to push me out of the room.

"Hobi, give me a day at least," I said, fighting him and trying to get back inside. 

"One day," he said warningly, letting up and allowing me to go back inside his dorm. "Twenty four hours. That's it."

"Alright," I huffed. I sat back down on my chair and glared at him. "I can't believe you're making me do this."

"I can't believe you're making me make you do this," Hoseok said with a disappointed shake of his head.

I didn't say it, but I was glad that he was pushing me to face it once and for all.