Flutter//Jaehyun

Chapter 3

"A lot on your mind?" I say, simultaneously sitting up from my comfortable position of being sprawled on the carpet. 

"I just need to figure out something that's been bothering me for as long as I can remember but," He sits up, too. "I just feel like it's going nowhere." 

I can tell that he was saying as much as he could say on the matter without completely spilling what was bugging him but something in me pushes to know more.  

"What's bothering you?" I didn't mean to verbally push his answer but my curiosity overpowered my filtering.   

He hesitates for a while, just looking at me and then back at his phone to check the time. Though with his irritating pensivity, I would doubt that he is checking the time and more so giving himself more of a speech gap to think about his answer.   

"I can't tell you here." He says.  

"Who did you kill?" I joke. 

"Seriously, this is something I haven't shared with anyone and I have this feeling, that you--that you might understand what I'm going to say." He is serious. "I know we just met but you...look I just need a fresh pair of ears for this problem. Could you help me?" 

He wanted to say something else. 

"Okay," I begin to realize this might be the answer to why Jaehyun is the infamously confusing Jaehyun and my brain struggles to pin point the emotions I should feel. I feel apprehensive--maybe nervous?  "Then where?" 

He pauses for a beat and then stands up quickly.

"Tomorrow." He says, in a stretch.  

"I work tomorrow." I get up, too, so I don't feel small. In theory, I could see him tomorrow before my night shift but I instantly prioritize my oversleeping habit. 

"I'll pick you up from work, just text me." He says. "But right now, I have to go. I was supposed to meet with Johnny  about an hour ago." 

Though I know he doesn't have my number, I feel an impression that I will be seeing him tomorrow. 

"Okay."  I say. 

He walks towards the door, ready to leave, but then he turns around and smiles dimples in my direction.

"Also, stop thinking so much, Deka. Your brain's gonna explode." He chuckles. And with a single wave, he walks out of the door.  

And though he is already out of the room, I mutter a, "Shut up". It was mostly directed to him, but a part of it was directed to the rising blush on my face when he said my name so suddenly. 

He's the one who should stop thinking. Or better yet, keep thinking and print out a replica of the chaos that boils in his mind. 

"Do you like him?" mutters the not-sleeping Kiana. 

"Were you listening to our conversation?" I say in frustration. She gestures towards me to sit on her mattress and purses out a knowing smile. 

"Hmm, maybe." Ki chuckles, lying flat on her back.  "You know--" 

She begins a serious tone which scares the hell out of me. 

"--You haven't had a stable romantic relationship in your life other than--" 

Before I can utter out an exasperated stop, she blurts out his name. 

"--Doyoung." 

"Okay we're dropping this conversation. Now." I say, standing up. I'm thinking, perhaps if I can further myself physically from this discussion that mentally I could do the same. It doesn't work. 

"You need to speak about the shit that hurts you, Deka. Or it will never go away." She sits up now. Kiana is always confrontational about the things that occurs in her life which is the complete opposite from me. I feel terrible that I can't reciprocate the same emotional intelligence as hers but something blocks my emotions from being truly felt. "Just because he's out of the country for the summer does not mean he's gone forever. He...asks me about you. How you're doing."  

She is fully engaged in this conversation now, standing up to match my level. 

"Why does he even care?" 

"Because he cares. He doesn't know why you hate him." She responds. 

"I--I don't hate him. I just don't have time for this." I say grabbing my bag. "I don't have time for this!"  

I rush to get out of the now suffocating room but hear Ki's delicate voice as soon as I reach the door. 

"I love you, but this conversation isn't over."  

I face the door while saying this, "I love you, too." And I leave. 

The mention of Doyoung's name brings up staggered memories of my own self-inflicted destruction. I wasn't ready to have this conversation because I was a completely different person then. Because it was before my only sibling fucking died! Because despite other people moving on or coping, I decide to break myself. I did this to myself.  

I did this to myself and...I don't know how to undo it.  

When a stinging rushes up my cheeks and clouds cover my eyes I decide to exit the apartment building as fast as I can. To avoid a crowded city bus and cry quietly in the backseat of an Uber. To be alone.  

When I exit the building to be greeted by the humid evening air and click open my phone--which was previously strangled due to my resentful grip-- I find text messages. It's from an unknown number but his name bounds at me instantly. 

Hi it's Jaehyun  

Kiana sent me your number

We've become good friends I think

Slumping down outside of the apartment building, I feel a wave of relief and a tinge of dubious enjoyment. I instantly add him to my contacts. 

Jaehyun: Sorry for texting you out of the blue, I just want to know what time you get out of work 

Jaehyun: Oh and the name. Lol that is important 

I smile at how characteristically fitting his texts were.   

scratch house diner. 2 am. I reply. 

Jaehyun: 2am. Jesus.  

He takes a few minutes to send another reply and I'm about to text him to tell him not to come. To push him away before he rescinds his offer to pick me up. To feel bigger than I actually am.  

And then-- 

Jaehyun: I'll be there  

 ***