Lost Time

I did not have the courage to check the time, but my eyes were constantly seeking the hour hand on my old Farazece watch. The light that the glass reflected blinded my wet eyes, and I could not help but close them. The air was wet and cold, heavy with the odour of the pine trees, the road slippery and muddy. Every time I hesitated I felt as if I would get sucked in by the mud, sink and disappear. My world started to shrink beneath the weight of my guilt. I had a terrible pain in my chest, I felt like choking, I wanted to swallow, but even that was denied of me. I needed to get out of there before I would change my mind. I wanted to run, but I was tumbling uncontrollably. I stopped following the road, I fought my way through the dense forest. I reached the meadow, and I started running like a chased beast.

I went home, entered the bathroom where the face of a coward full of scratch marks and hair full of pine tree-leafs stared back at me with its ugly, red eyes. The next thing I remember is me sitting at the table with the bottle of scotch whiskey.

Every day has been a fight after that, with my wife, my daughter and myself. I kept telling myself that I had to leave him there, but his frightened and confused look still haunts my mind. I wish I would've done differently.

We lived in a small apartment, with two rooms, a kitchen, and a tiny bathroom. My wife, Laura, decorated the house with purple curtains, even the tablecloth had lavender patterns. Every day she would leave out a small note on the table, with a quote from a writer or from the Bible; sometimes reminding me that we have to visit her parents or that we are expected at one of her brothers or sisters. There were times when I had to drag myself to these family events, wishing that it would be over soon. Even during our time there, I would be thinking of something, anything, in the house that we don't need any more or it needs repair. I would think about our broken microwave, calculating the amount of money necessary to repair it, and comparing that price to buying a new one altogether. I would think about my pride possession, the new LG television I won with a beer competition that year, not even my boss could afford to buy that LG model. It stood at the core of my confidence, it made me feel important. However, after my daughter was born, all my priorities changed.

Diana was my sunshine, all I had to do to make her happy was to make funny faces, and her face would light up like a thousand stars on the clear night sky. Her brown eyes always stared at mine with such fascination as if she was measuring me, wondering what those two rounded black dots on my face are. She liked my hands best. She would pick either my left or right, grab it with her tiny paws and trace the lines of my palm. She would study them very carefully and then look at her own palms. She would take two unsteady steps behind, then look around trying to find another interesting thing in the house. I realised that she needed someone to play with.

I talked with my wife about having a dog before, but now I was determined to get one. I sat down next to her in the kitchen one day. She was reading a magazine, full of celebrities and gossip. She always claimed that she hates these things, but I would often catch her reading just a column or two. As she saw me, she closed the magazine and wanted to start her explanation about why she was reading it, but I interrupted her and said 'Hear me out.'

She put aside the magazine and stared at me suspiciously. I reckon she started imagining the worst-case scenarios, her eyes became a straight line, forcing her gaze to enter my soul for answers. I told her I want a dog. My argument was to have a friend for Diana, but I realised only after we got one, that it was me who needed the dog most. At first, she was ferocious, she started to enumerate all the troubles that come with a dog, the mess, the food, the walks, the neighbours and some other things, which I forgot. After she calmed down, she said her parents have an acquaintance in the village whose dog just had puppies. They were a mixture of Dachshund and Beagle.