Living Your Lie (boyxboy)

Chapter 30

"Shut me out," she said, her voice going slightly more shrill. I knew she was getting worked up and I was kind of grateful for the semblance of normalcy. "If you're worried about what I'm going to think--"

"No, god," I groaned, turning to look at her. "I don't care what you think about it anyway." My mom looked offended and I felt guilty. I quickly added, "I don't mean it like that, mom. I just mean that I know who I am and I like it and if someone else didn't, I couldn't give less of a fuck."

"Harley!"

"I'm just saying!"

"So then it is true?" my mom asked, more hesitantly this time.

I looked away from her and shrugged, my hand rubbing at the back of my neck. "Yeah, whatever."

It was quiet for a long moment, one that made my skin crawl. My fingers nervously tapped on the counter. Then she said, "Okay. How long have you known?"

"Stop," I pleaded, crossing my arms over my chest in discomfort. "I honestly don't want to talk about this."

"I just feel like I don't even know you," my mom blurted, frustration coming through as she gestured at me. "So you're gay, that's fine! I don't have a problem, sweetie. But you could have told your father and me, you know we're accepting. You didn't have to hide it."

I bit the inside of my cheek. "That's not the point."

"Then what is?" she asked, irritation bubbling up in her tone. "Please explain to me why you can't tell me something so important yourself. Tell me why I have to be told by Leslie Adams that her daughter is writing blog posts about you being outed last weekend. Do you know how that makes me feel to sit there and not have a clue what's going on?"

I chuckled darkly. "Jesus, it's always about you! I don't care how it made you feel. Do you know how I feel having my privacy ripped away from me? It fucking sucks, mom! It wasn't supposed to be like that."

"Harl--"

"No, just listen to me for once!" I yelled. She pursed her lips and I could tell she looked hurt, but I had to keep going, or I'd never get the words out. "You never listen to me. That's why I don't tell you things. All you and dad do is talk about business and investments and conferences. You only care about how well I'm doing in lacrosse and school but you've never asked me about myself.

I've gotten used to it over the years, feeling more support from my friends' parents than you," I said, "but it's not the same. And it only made me feel worse knowing that when I'd go home, I'd just feel alone all over again because you and dad would be out with clients or colleagues." I lifted my eyes from her shoes and met her gaze again, nerves going haywire as I said, "Do you know how many times I wondered why you guys even had me if all you do is pretend like I don't exist?"

I was holding back tears now, willing myself not to cry over this, not now.

The look of pity on my mom's face didn't help. "Harley, you know we love you. We have always supported you and been here for you."

"Where? Where have you been? Sitting at your desk, writing a check while I played game after game that you guys never watched?"

Finally, as my last words pierced her, my mom seemed to understand, and she looked ashamed for the first time in my life. I felt bad for upsetting her, but at the same time I had never felt better.

"I'm sorry."

"I know," I said, believing her. "But it's been hard, feeling like I don't have you guys. That's why I never told you. I didn't think you'd ever pay attention long enough for me to even say, 'I'm gay.' "