quintessential transient

mono no aware: everything is transient, and so am i.

"mono no aware": lit. "the pathos of things"; Japanese term for the awareness of the transient nature of things

transient, n.: a boarder who stays only for a brief period of time

————————————————————-

i grew up in the passenger seat of a mini-van.

my life is measured not in years (or coffee spoons), but in addresses and area codes. age eight was colorado springs, age fourteen was 210.

i learned quickly not to attach myself to a bedroom or a house, a streetlamp or a neighborhood. soon enough, the people i met were held safely distant from me, friends without strings that i would inevitably have to sever.

this blog was prompted by a post i read somewhere in the online universe. one that expressed “xx things only military brats would understand” (or something to that effect). a girl i grew up with in arkansas (ages 3-6) shared it with me, and soon thereafter, i started a new job where my coworkers began asking basic questions like “where are you from?” and i didn’t have an answer and it hit me — how very transient i still feel, even though i’ve lived in the same region of texas since 2005. how temporary every choice seems.

the impermanence of my childhood has left me without roots, without the burden of nostalgic obligations. this is freeing, to be sure, but also terrifying when thinking of marriage and children (eventually) and careers. i don’t know how to do these things that seem so normal, so simple to everyone around me.

and surely i’m not alone.

this project is not just for me. through it i plan to explore some of the parts of my life that seem most difficult, relive my various lives, and detail ways i am trying to feel a little less like i’m just passing through the lives of my loved ones, but i hope you will share your stories here, too, stories of suffocating permanence and terrifying ephemera.

the only time i feel rooted in anything is when i’m writing, and when i share that writing with others. and right now, no matter how little, i desperately need to feel rooted in something.