I'm Only Living For You (A Ray Toro x Reader)

Look at Me

There was no excuse for what I did to Ray, and I knew it when I did it too. I didn't want to hurt him, but I did and I had to live with that.

I fell asleep after lots of angry tears. My five A.M alarm woke me up, but I didn't want to go back to sleep, so I yanked on fresh clothes and my backpack and walked out the door.

The sky was dark, and almost no cars were on the road. Rustling trees and the scuffling of my footsteps were the only sounds waving through the air, but they were deafening to me. It felt like screaming in my ears. I felt my heart beat faster, and my hands started shaking in my hoodie pockets. I ran. I ran all the way to the front steps of the University and inside to the library. A few other students were there, and they looked up at me as the door slammed. Hastily brushing wisps of hair from my face, I hurried off to an empty table in the corner.

Somehow I managed to push all thoughts of Ray and the day before out of my head and study. My final midterm was scheduled for nine in the morning, so that was over with quickly. There were no more classes for me until the end of January, so I went home.

I tried calling Ray a few times, but each time it went to voicemail. He's at work you idiot. And he's not going to take your calls after the bitch move you pulled last night. So I waited. I waited until six-fifteen, when I knew he would be home. I called one more time. And he picked up.

"Hello?" Ray's voice was comforting, but soon guilt washed over me. "Y/n, are you there?"

I couldn't say anything for a moment. "Ye-yeah, yeah I'm here." My voice was already starting to crack. "I'm sorry," I whispered, tears welling up. "I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry, I-"

"Y/n." Ray said sternly. I stopped talking and furrowed my brows a little.

"Yes?" I said quietly.

I heard Ray take a deep breath on the other end and exhale. "I want you to come over, and you can explain yourself then. I do not want to have this conversation over the phone. Understand?"

"Y-yes." I stuttered.

"Okay," he replied calmly. "I'll see you Princess. Goodbye."

"Goodbye lovely." He hung up.

I wiped my tears and pulled my shoes back on. I tried to think of what I would say to Ray on the walk there, but nothing would come to me. His apartment door loomed in front of me like a portal to the hellscape. Before I even got up the courage to knock, the door creaked open.

Ray's eyes were red, but fading; the eyes of someone who was done crying and ready to move on. He opened the door further and stepped aside to let me in, shutting the door quietly behind me. I stood with my back to him for a moment before turning around. It was then I saw the product of my actions. This man, this person with a kind heart had been shattered. His eyes looked at me with disappointment, hands shoved in pockets, waiting for something. I opened my mouth to speak, but found myself mute. "Sit down." He gestured to the couch.

I followed his directions and was joined by him, though we sat relatively far apart. "Help me understand Y/n. Help me help you." His hands were folded on his leg.

"I've been tired; you know that." Ray sat up when I started talking. "I've been exhausted and not able to do anything productive for a while except study and go to work. And I could tell I was burning out, but I thought that I could just hold out another couple days. Obviously I was wrong. I just got disoriented and when Frank was talking to me I just fainted."

"But why did you snap at me?" Ray looked confused.

"I was embarrassed." I answered. "I was embarrassed that I ruined your day and your friends' day and Gee and Mikey's parents' day. I was, I was..."