zentropy | mileven.

²⁵⁾ changes

"I think you should do it."

I was following my dream, the secret goal I had stored deep within me since I was a kid, the vision for myself that I had never uttered a word to any other person, and it was all because of her.

because when I was little, I thought love meant something perfect.
being with jane was anything but.
it took effort, commitment, back and forth and fighting on. it meant withstanding all the tidal waves that swept past our skin, standing ground through each natural disaster that blew us by— it meant devotion.

because love was not an effortless task that attained nothing but elementary prospects and facile encounters. love meant fighting for something. love is supposed to hurt, supposed to be difficult, supposed to be effortful and passionate.

it's been three years since I've seen her, and for the past three years, I've hated myself. I continuously torn myself in half over and over again for what I did to her, because causing someone that I loved, but didn't know that I loved at the time, so much pain—I just didn't know what to do with myself. I beat myself up for so long about how we ended, to the point where I had no more direction, nothing ahead of me.

"will, I'm so sorry. fuck max, okay? fuck lucas, all of them are idiots and so was I for being such an asshole to you for all of those years!"

"it's not that easy, mike. you can't just expect to say one sorry and get down on your knees and have everyone just come rushing back to you. I'm not telling you where jane is, okay?—you're no good for her," will spat, walking away from me, bike clutched in his fists as he made his way down maple street, as I did my best to hastily tail him. it was half way through the first year of college already, and will was the only one out of all of the old friend group who had remained in indiana besides myself.

"will, I'm not just here for jane. I mean—yes—that's a sub concern, but it's not my main concern. I'm here to apologize to you. you're my best friend."
"I thought troy and james were your best friends now," will muttered impatiently, desperately trying to finish off our conversation, "since all you've cared about for the last few years is being popular."
"are you crazy? no. definitely not. I'm done with them—all of them!" I protested."
"what about jane? I thought you two were always the 'best friends' in our friend group."

"jane was always more than just my best friend. and I was just stupid enough to not see that until now. listen, will, I get it if you hate me forever. fuck, I hate myself too. I hate myself so much for what I did to her—for what I did to you and dustin. I'm not here for your forgiveness, okay? I wouldn't forgive myself either. I'm just here because I can't live with myself if you spent the rest of your life not knowing how sorry I am. you and I—we were like brothers, you know? and I threw all of that away for some stupid girl who I never even loved in the first place."

"you're right," will stopped in his tracks, turning to glare at me, "you are stupid."
my stare dropped down to my toes in shame, a deep sigh of anguish escaping my lungs. "but you're wrong about one thing—" will continued, "we weren't like brothers. we still are brothers."

my eyes peeled back up to his face as he spoke, my tear ducts growing wet with a pang rattling against my chest.
"you serious?" I questioned hopefully.
"as much as I hated you all these years—you're still my brother. you're still my best friend."
"will, I swear to god I've changed now and you have no idea how much I hate myself fo—"
"jane's in LA. she's studying film at UCLA.

go find her there."

after I'd somehow gotten will's friendship back, much to my surprise, I'd begun halting the callous thought that formed in my head that I had hurtled towards myself since the moment I saw jane for the last time. instead, I replaced those self-defeating chants with ones of change.

I had valued the notion of being someone for far too long. when I was with max—I was someone. I was known. I was friends with the kids who'd used to tear me down, stepping up to the same high risen pedestal as the very individuals who had set me on such a low one in the first place. something about it made me feel powerful, satisfied.

but I never quite felt whole.

and maybe it's because for all those years, I'd been valuing the wrong things. I was so blind to those who actually cared about me that I let every single shadow who couldn't give a flying fuck about my wellbeing fling me around like I was nothing but a tool in the grand scheme of things, as I followed each and every complicit demand. I was so blind just because a stupid girl who was out of my league by miles liked me. I was so blind, so stupid, so fucking stupid to not have understood just how much I had caused her so much suffering all of those years.
how could I have been so fucking blind!

I fell in a false love. I believed in the shells of whom I thought were people who cared for me. I became a toxic chemical reaction, igniting into crimson flames with each instance of a touch, uncertain of what I wanted and who I wanted.

I kissed her all those times because I think, deep inside, a part of me always knew what I really desired. that little flake of reason that fell beneath the ridiculous control of the rest of my body always knew who I really belonged with. but the rest of me was far too pushed beneath the surface to see the truth, far too drowned into the world of popularity, glamour, and the shiny promises of those who couldn't even throw me a bone.

I was nothing but the bearer of bad news. the toxic drudge in jane's life that clogged the works. the edge of the world that constantly seemed to drag on—

the person who destroyed her trust. who tormented her life...
who annihilated her home.

it's been three years since I've seen her, and I've finally realized what love is.
love is effort and fighting, because being in love is not a rudimentary feat to be toyed with.
love is feeling more at home with a person than a place.

love is everything I feel, everything I know, everything I am...

when I'm with jane.

⋆⋆⋆

hello everyone!!
as most of you know, I've been taking a well needed break from writing. life is SO busy and different lately, and the time I have to write is slowly decreasing by the second, so I apologize if this chapter is both short and poorly written. honestly, I just needed to get an update out there to let you all know that both ME and my stories are still alive!

while I do fully intend to finish this story, my plans in regards to my future on wattpad and the continuation of my other book apathy are still things I need to think about. that being said, expect me to complete this book no matter what. I still hold it very close to my heart. just expect updates to be much slower from now on.

thank you for all your patience and support through my absence and your continued love through my return. I love you all dearly and appreciate the votes, comments, and follows! <3

I'll see you (hopefully) soon,

—sonorabee (cyn)