blossom ↣ joshler ✓

53. Scared

Did no one noticed Tyler told his mom he loved Josh? Like he said he loved him?

Josh sat at the lunch table, his arms folded on top and his head on his arms.

He was wearing a hoodie (his baseball one) and although it was late April and pretty warm out, the hoodie reminded him of Tyler so he didn't care about how hot he was getting. He hoped he would melt so he didn't have to deal with the heartache anymore.

His lunch sat next to him, untouched. His friends knew he wasn't going to eat it but neither Brendon nor Hayley made any advances to steal food off of it. If Josh wasn't hungry then he really was sad because he was someone who could finish most of a large pizza by himself.

There was a weird tension in the air. No one was upset with one another but Josh almost always brought good energy to his friend group and now that he was down and out no one else wanted to make jokes when he was sad.

No one else has really brought up the situation either. Well, until now.

"I can't do this anymore," Brendon spoke up.

"Do what?" Dallon asked him.

"I can't see Josh like this," he sighed.

Josh sighed himself and sat up, leaning a head in his hand as he propped one elbow up on the table. "Wasn't really my choice to get dumped there, Brendon," he explained bitterly.

"I know it wasn't but dude, you're a fucking mess. Over a guy. People get broken up with all the god damn time and you're over here sulking and losing almost every game you've had this week over your pity party."

"Brendon, calm down," Hayley interjected.

"No," Brendon said sternly before turning back to Josh. "I'm gonna talk and you're gonna listen. You don't have to respond and hell, you can kick the shit out of me after if it makes you feel better but you're gonna listen to what I have to say."

Josh didn't reply so Brendon took that as a cue for him to continue.

"You love Tyler, correct?"

Josh nodded.

"Then stop with all the damn crying! Go get him back!"

"He hates me, Bren," Josh looked at him, eyes filling with tears.

"No he doesn't. If you think he genuinely hates you then you're a lot dumber than we thought."

"Brendon," Dallon warned.

"Stop," Brendon looked at his boyfriend. Dallon scoffed but stayed silent. Brendon went back to Josh. "He doesn't hate you."

"Yes he does. He told me—"

"That he was scared. He told you he was scared, Josh," Brendon interrupted softly. "He told you his own mom had slapped him and that she would send him away if he kept talking to you. Can you imagine how fucked up he must feel? He pushed you away because he was scared."

Josh didn't reply.

"Do you love him?" Brendon repeated.

Josh nodded, his throat tightening. "Yeah," he croaked out.

"Then go get him back," Brendon stressed. "Do you remember when we got high in my room and Tyler asked to speak to me on the phone?"

That seemed lightyears ago but in reality, it had only been a little over a week. "Yeah."

"He told me that he really liked you and felt like a shitty boyfriend for never doing anything that made you happy. I told him he made you happy every day he just existed. He asked me for things he could do for you instead of you doing for him. I guess he just never got the chance to do them."

"What did you say?"

"Well I told him to maybe let you kiss him more and shit if he felt comfortable with that but I said that he just needed to keep making you happy. I told him that you're easy to please and if he just tries his best and is as supportive as he can be then it shouldn't matter.

"The point is," Brendon continued, switching subjects. "He loves you. I know he does. I see it. And usually most people who don't love their significant other wouldn't care about trying to make them happy."

"He's not gonna want me back, Brendon. I fucked it up with the whole Snapchat thing. You know how he is. Once he has his mind set on something you can't change it," Josh sighed, wiping his eyes.

"That's bullshit and we both know it," Brendon gave him a look. "You've changed his mind on everything under the damn sun. Listen, tomorrow's Saturday. Go to his house. If his mom's there then tell her to fuck off. Talk to him. Work it out. If you leave there and you're still single I'm going to strangle you both."

Josh nodded. "Okay," he whispered.

"Now can I have your mashed potatoes?"

---

Although the talk Brendon gave Josh during lunch lifted his spirits for the rest of the school day, he got home and he felt like shit again. He felt worse than before if that were possible.

His mom apparently had the day off because as soon as he walked through the front door he saw her on the couch and burst into tears. "Ma," he sobbed out.

Laura looked over and her face became sad. "C'mere," she pat the spot next to her on the couch.

Josh dropped his bag by the door and crawled up next to her, setting his head on her shoulder while he cried. She held him and rubbed his back as he bawled loudly. "I miss him and I love him and it's all fucked," he blubbered.

His mom hushed him while she continued rubbing his back. Eventually, his sobbing stopped and he pulled back.

"Honey," she spoke sadly, wiping the tears under his cheeks while own filled her eyes. "I hate seeing you like this. This has been one of the worst weeks of my life as a mother."

"I hate feeling like this," Josh replied quietly. "Brendon told me to go over to Tyler's house tomorrow to try and talk things out but I'm scared. I'm scared he's going to say he still hates me and slam the door in my face. I'm scared he's gonna start crying and blame me for ruining his life. I'm scared his mom's gonna send him away for being gay. I'm so fucking sad and scared."

"He is too," his mom assured. "And those are both valid feelings. But you won't know how it goes unless you just go. There are always the what ifs and the maybes but there's only one for sure. And I know for sure that if you guys can work this out then you're meant to be together. If you can't then you're not and I know that's a hard pill to swallow but that's just the truth. Honestly? I think everything will work out but you have to go talk to him to get it to work out."

Josh nodded, leaning his head back on her shoulder. She rubbed his arm lightly in a comforting way. "Thanks, Ma. I love you."

"I love you too, honey."