My True Self: A Transgender Story

Micah

It was another bad day.

My binder seemed to be pressing harder against my chest. It was probably because of the heat, it must've been over 90 degrees and the intense sunlight wasn't helping. My oversized t-shirt hung off of my sweating body as I turned lightly, trying to relieve some of the pressure from the tight fabric wrapped around my chest constricting my ribs. It wasn't even my shirt, it was my dads. My parents don't allow me to get any boy clothes so from time to time I manage to sneak into my dad's closet and get a hold of a shirt or two. I didn't mind entirely, I was paranoid that people would notice my chest and baggy clothes help hide a lot. Even with my binder being a size too small for me, I always felt as if my chest wasn't completely flat. Baggy clothes were just a small reassurance that I could pass better.I was outside sitting on the bench in front of school waiting for my mom to come pick me up. I brushed the sweat creeping out from my forehead on the back of my hand and breathed out slowly, trying to control the aching pain spreading across my chest.

I was hot and frustrated. I looked around to see all the other kids running around, smiling and laughing with their friends. I was jealous. I wanted to feel normal, actually be normal, but that wasn't the case for me. Even being out in public was a constant struggle. I wasn't out yet, but I still felt as if people knew. The stares, the whispering, the way they excluded me and snickered when I was called on in class. This was the struggle I have to live with to be myself.

"Hey Max!" I heard a voice interrupt my thoughts. I looked up and saw James waving at me across the courtyard. He was a boy I had a few classes with. He always tried to talk to me, but I knew he was saying bad things about me behind my back just like how everyone else did. My face immediately burned up but I quickly waved and then looked away, not wanting to draw in anymore attention towards me. God, I hated that name. I hated that name more than anything in the word. Maxine. The name I was born with. I cringed at even thinking about it.

Finally, I saw my moms car pull up and I quickly swung my bag over my shoulder and walked towards the car trying to ignore and brush off other people trying to say hi to me. I got in the passengers seat and mumbled a hey to my mom beside me. My parents were the only people who I was out to, along with my kid sister Sarah. I told them only five months ago and it was the biggest mistake I ever made. I still remember how they yelled and screamed at me, said the worst things I've ever heard and made me feel awful about myself. They even sent me to a mental institution twice. And you know what happened? The doctors there said it was all in my head and that I was sick and wrong and I had to stop it before I hurt myself. They didn't understand me. I've known all of my life I was a transgender boy. I knew who I was, and I just wish they could accept me.

I wish I could have waited to come out when I turned 18 and moved out. It would've been easier and dinner time wouldn't be so God damn weird. But I'm 15, and there was no way I could go three more years without telling anyone. I wanted my name changed to Micah. I wanted to start hormones and maybe even start looking into surgery. My parents flipped when I brought it up.

"How was school, Maxie?" My mom said. I cringed again.

"Fine, mom." I answered, purposely making my voice deeper than it normally was. From the corner of my eye I saw that she glanced at me tried to repress her sigh. I sunk deeper in the seat. My mother is a sweet woman and I hated that I was hurting her over al this. But I also hated that she just couldn't accept me as her son.

"So, I made another appointment with Dr. Shwaltz next weekend." She said as we turned the corner.

"Mom, I told you I don't need a psychiatrist." I muttered. I hated that doctor. I've been seeing him for most of the time since I came out to my parents and he always asked me the weirdest questions and even tried to explain sex to me once. God, he's just another transphobic man abusing his power as a doctor to erase my identity. And of course, my parents believe everything he says.