I made a decision a long time ago, back in first grade of primary school. I decided that I wouldn't let anyone treat me in a way less worthy of me. After two years of being bullied in the then new world of social life and people, I decided to stand up for myself. Everybody fights for their rights in a different manner: some go for anger soothing sports like boxing, others, like myself, fight with words and attitude.
I, a six-year-old girl, concealed my fears under a mask of indifference and words every day. Nobody dared touch me.
I can't help but wear that mask even today. Every time I walk alone on the streets, every time a stranger is looking at me. The worst of all being every time I start feeling something for someone.
I have lived with the mask of indifference for so long that I believed it to be my face. I have pushed everyone that really meant something to me away from myself. I have been a selfish coward who stung herself on her own thorns while reaching out for a rose. Now everybody has moved on. I'm not in a single thought of theirs. I'm only a moment.
For me, pain comes in waves. Waves of screaming voices that flood my head every time the sun stops shining. The line between calmness and absolute chaos is as thin as a strand of hair and as corrupting as rain clouds; I torrent on the floor from the weakest pull. I drown every time I remember the past. I explode every time I hear their names. I am a tornado of thoughts bringing destruction to everything I touch. I am a cloud of dark energy wondering around the world.
The plants in my room have withered. The warmth of the sun doesn't reach me anymore. My friends speak to me like they're speaking to a ghost. Past, present and future are entangled and all the parallel universes of different decisions are stuck in my head. How did I end up like this? what would my six-year-old self say?
