Requiem for a Soldier (Requiem #1)

Chapter 37: Proximity

I throw my hands down in frustration. "And I can't make you watch it. This is a tragedy of the greatest proportion!"

 He raises an eyebrow. 

"A crime against humanity!" I exclaim, hoping to goad him into playing along. I love it when he shakes off his solemn demeanor and tries to make me laugh.

All I get out of him is a bemused smile, but I'll take it. 

~~~

That night, the view of the sunset from the porch is spectacular. I convince Ryan to join me outside. I used the excuse of not wanting to get eaten by bears, but I really just wanted him to come with me. After the golden glow has faded to a dusky orange, I stay to watch the stars come out. 

"Is that Venus?" I ask, pointing to what looks like a star above the sunset. 

"Yes."

"Can you identify any others?"

It's a ploy to get him to stay out here longer. It might be a little juvenile, like a little kid grasping at straws to stay up past bedtime, but it works. We stand at the edge of the porch railing as Ryan points out the stars he knows as they appear. He's demonstrated his knowledge of stars and constellations before, pointed them out to me before, and even given me his book on stargazing. Despite these facts, he still seems pleased to repeat this all again.

I listen to him talk. If someone saw us, they'd think we were on a date. Out here under the darkening sky, looking at the stars and talking. If we were a couple, he'd put his arm around me. 

I rub my arms. "It's getting cold out."

"It's autumn now. Soon the temperatures will drop below freezing every night."

I look over at him, concerned. "Shouldn't we bring the plants inside now?"

He shakes his head. "Not yet. The covering will keep them warm enough for now, but it's something we'll need to do soon. Maybe next week."

"Are you sure we won't starve to death over the winter?"

"We'll be fine." He looks down at the dog by my feet. "We won't have to eat the dog."

I gasp in mock horror and drop to my knees, throwing my arms around a startled Casper. "Don't listen to him, Caspie. We would never dream of eating you."

I look up at Ryan and give him a fake glare. "You're going to give him nightmares!"

Ryan smiles and stiffly crouches down next to me, his leg giving out at the last second. He pitches off to the right and my hand shoots out, grabbing his arm. But Ryan's heavier than I expected and in a sudden tangle of movement, Ryan's lying on his back on the porch with me across his chest.

I meant to hold him upright, but instead he pulled me down with him. Casper leaped out of the way and now is coming back over to sniff at our faces, but neither of us is paying any attention to the dog. 

In the dim light of the porch, with a gentle autumn breeze ruffling my hair, I stare down at Ryan and he stares up at me. At first it was shock preventing me from reacting. Then, it was the errant thought that in a romantic film, this was the ideal moment for a kiss.

"Woah," I say, not sure if I'm exclaiming at the situation or the surprisingly strong urge to press my lips against his. My eyes start to close in the anticipation of it. But just before, just before my eyelids drop completely, one thought startles me out of this trance. The thought of his likely horrified reaction to me doing something like this. My eyes fly open and I start to pull back. 

"Sorry about that," I say, pushing myself up and trying really, really hard to play it cool. Did I totally blow my cover there? Could he see how close I was to doing it?

Ryan doesn't say anything as he pulls himself to a sitting position. His silence only amplifies the intensity of the most awkward moment we've ever had.

"We're quite the pair, aren't we," I say with a nervous laugh. 

He doesn't seem to get it, so I explain further.

"Like a couple of dominoes, or two Jenga towers or something. I literally just fell over trying to stop you from falling."

"I'm not exactly agile," he says, looking as uncomfortable as I feel.

"Well see, you have a legitimate reason. What's my excuse? I'm just a walking disaster."

"You are a little clumsy," he admits.

"A little?" I ask. "How about a lot?"

I actually get a full smile out of him. 

"I really don't know how someone with such graceful dance moves can be so uncoordinated," he says.

I choke out a laugh. It's not that I'm that embarrassed he caught me rocking out to my tunes, but I do feel a touch of chagrin every time I think about it. Actually, what might be more affecting is how much he seems to enjoy teasing me with it. 

I stand up and offer him a hand. He gets to his feet on his own. I roll my eyes.Men.

We finally go back inside and settle on the couch, each with a book, me in my spot and Ryan in his spot. His looks like a spy or thriller novel. I'm reading Pride and Prejudice for the first time. I'd always meant to read it, but just never had the time. Now that I've got nothing but time, I'm beginning to realize that I should have read this book sooner. I'm loving it. 

During one verbal sparring match between Lizzie and Mr. Darcy, my internal laughter becomes a single, audible giggle. I look up to see if Ryan noticed.  

He's asleep. His arms are folded across his chest, his head is slumped against his own shoulder, the injured side of his face toward me. I twist around to see the clock. I make an exaggerated face of horror. I had no idea it'd gotten this late. No wonder Ryan fell asleep.

I turn back around and my gaze settles on Ryan again. I don't know if it's the scars, a trick of the light, or maybe just my imagination but Ryan's face looks sad. I love it when he smiles. When I make him laugh, I feel like I've accomplished something really great and really special. I stare at his sleeping face. That's probably creepy, but I don't care. I wish I could take away his pain. He's been so wonderful to me. I wonder if maybe that's because he knows what it's like to hurt.

It's been six months since the day I woke up here. Six months since they almost killed me. Six months I haven't had to worry about them finding me. Six months I've finally gotten back to being me again. All this time I was so focused on how my family was stolen from me. I hadn't realized that those men stole away a piece of me. A piece of my soul that I hadn't gotten back until I met Ryan.

Does he have any idea how much he's done for me? My eyes burn suddenly as tears blur the outlines of everything in my vision. Ryan saved me, in so many ways. I want to return the favor and save him - fix him. I know I'm still far from fixed myself, and I may never be fully healed, but I'm getting better. I want to help him get better too.

Mamá always believed in God. I think I did too, until the day God didn't save them. After that day, I didn't want to live in a world with a God who would let a family die that way. But when I think about the incredible coincidence of the helicopter crashing near Ryan's cabin, me managing to walk in exactly the right direction to get me there, while barely conscious and probably suffering from a concussion, I think maybe God does exist after all.

I'm still pretty pissed off at him for letting my family die.