Thoughts in the Dark

June 25th, 2019

Hey God . . . oh wait you don't exist,

Today I went to Tech Crew.  I've been to school all week even though it's regents week.  I'm pretty sure the teachers think I'm weird for doing that but the truth is I'm scared.  Summer is fast approaching and I am scared.  Scared of being in this house alone.  Scared of losing connection.  Scared of the dark thoughts that roam my head.  Summers have always sucked for me.  The summer of 6th grade I lost my dad.  The summer after just seemed so lonely and withdrawn.  Then the summer after, my transition into high school, I had my first panic attack.  I've always hated summer.  It gets too hot and I'm tempted to take 4 showers a day for no reason.  I don't do well with odor and sweat---winter is far superior.  Now all my senior friends are graduating and I know they're going to be fine and I'll be fine one day but people are leaving.  One of my greatest fears---people leave.  Just like my dad did.  Just like I'll have to do to my best friend.

That leads to the problem with my best friend.  I've known him for 15 years.  15 years!  And now . .  . now I think I have to let him go.  I have to break this friendship off because he has once objectified me under the influence and not so long after made it seem as though I could be bought.  I cannot be bought, especially sexually.  He betrayed my trust.  He has said once before how I am the only person that hasn't hurt him, one of the only people who's presence helps him.  The thing is . . . he's hurting me.  He hurts.  Being objectified and sexualized by someone you've trusted hurts.  I feel like shit.  I feel like I allowed this.  I feel disgusting for that.  My teacher says that's "victim-blaming."  He said I was "blaming myself" and asked if I would "blame the victim" and of course I wouldn't but that doesn't help much with the emotions of disgust and hate.  There's a small part of my brain that is torturing me, saying, "you're being melodramatic," but I'm not.  I know this because being objectified by someone you trust and having someone say they'd pay "any price" for some  "help" with their over active hormones makes you feel like a piece of meat.  It brings down your self-esteem AND YOU CAN'T EVEN BE ANGRY AT THEM BECAUSE AS SOON AS YOU ASK "Price?" "Help?" THEY MAKE THEMSELVES THE VICTIM!  THEY SAY NO I'M THE BAD GUY I DON'T DESERVE YOU!  NO YOU DON'T GET TO DO THAT BECAUSE I CAN'T HATE YOU IF YOU EXPRESS HATE TOWARDS YOURSELF AND you make me want to cry.  You make me want to cry.  He makes me want to cry.  He doesn't get to make himself the victim because he betrayed my trust and caused this as soon as that thought passed his mind.  People just can't control their urges.  If people just controlled themselves maybe the world would be a shit ton better.  This is why I don't allow for connection and vulnerability.  

My best friend made me feel like a piece of meat.  That's what I've always been haven't I.  As my other friend once said, I'm a robot.  He said that when I was having trouble moving because of my anxiety.  It was a joke.  A joke that branded me.  It's true though.  I'm a robot.  A piece of meat.  A soldier.  After a while I stopped making my own choices, I don't know when but it probably occurred after 5th or 6th grade.  I got sick of disappointing people and fighting with others.  I fight myself everyday I don't have the energy for more fights.  Now I'm just subordinate.  I give up on fighting.  I do that to my mom.  She gets angry at me and I apologize and remind my self to "do better."  I did that to my teacher.  There was a miscommunication and misrepresentation on my part as always.  I don't register a lot of what he was saying, something alone the lines of how he doesn't like being misrepresented and guilt and stuff---there was a mention of pet peeves---I remember he was angry in that moment.  My mind registered the anger and my mind went into survival mode.  My one goal: de-escalate his anger.  A mantra of "No, I understand" "Yes, I respect that" and "Sorry" exited my without permission.  I'm used to it, it's like a force of habit.  I don't get to argue back or disagree.  I accept and calm the other person down.  And I'm tired.

I think the best parts of my day were

1) playing my Sherlock game with my friends (it has the same energy as Monopoly---fight me Basley)

2) when my teacher asked me if my best friend was "under the influence this time"  I responded with "other than hormones?"  It was funny to him and to me it was like a glimpse of my past self. I miss my old witty remarks.  Sometimes I miss me.  Although I hardly know what that was.

3) talking to Gordon about how I was anxious for the summer and coming up with solutions

4) "Sherlock has the same energy as monopoly" "You know what has the same energy as Dark souls? Dark souls."

5) i'll remember more later

I think what is really going to help me through the summer is the fact that Gordon said I could email her and she'd try to answer them.  That's nice.  I may not email her much because of my fear of bothering people but it's a comforting feeling.

Thanks for listening non-existent God,

Exhausted Fran