i think one of the worst things ive heard in my dark times were
"you're just sad"
if there was anything else that kicked me down so hard, it was that one little phrase.
But i will come back to this statement a bit later...
I'd like to point out that as a child, i never knew the difference. i was young and assumed i was sad all the time. i never knew exactly why...i had a pretty decent life. I got older though and realized...there was a difference. The things i thought that were okay had shed light on the root of my id and subconscious. When it did, it hit me like a truck at full speed and i couldn't handle it. But instead of jumping to the end like a dummy, let's have some checkpoints. You'll never understand my discovery until you understand what im discovering
Checkpoints:
-2nd grade
-3rd grade
-4th grade
-5th grade
-6th grade
-7th grade
-8th grade
-this past year (the year i overcame)
Let's start with 2nd grade:
At this time, i lived with both my parents and grandparents. I had alot of pets like snakes and dogs and cats and birds and iguanas. I was a curious child who wasn't afraid of much. I would constantly catch myself making something or letting curiosity get the best of me. I guess my sexuality was one of those things. I am not gonna sit here and say i knew my sexuality at that moment. Because i didnt, it was the first sign. But as a second grader, i only knew but so much about such trivial things. I was never exposed to same sex couples or instances. I was picked on by boys but also complimented, and that's just that.
I remember the day where i developed my first crush (that wasn't a celebrity. Hey justin B, how you doin?). I walked into class and some of my peers were getting settled. I panned the room and noticed her.
now we can notice our surroundings quite well, but it was one of those moments where...something stands out. It catches your eye. my friend had mentioned something like this. I noticed my friends, i noticed my teacher, but i NOTICED her. i noticed she got a haircut or when she changed the laces in her shoes or her mood cause her eye color would change. i noticed all of that.
anyways, she had on a nice brown dress that complimented her skin. Her hair was always done pretty with clips and ballies (the kind that smacked against my skull and almost knocked out a brain cell). Her and i talked sometimes, but never alot. I felt warm and fuzzy inside when her and i talked. I remember gym class where we would walk in a circle and tbh, i'd make sure i was behind her because her hair always smiled nice. One time i was so mesmerized by her that i stopped in my place and the gym teacher and people behind me shouted at me to keep going. I wouldn't say i was in love because i didn't know what was happening. All i know is that....
I noticed her ALOT before anyone else
EMBARRASSING TRUTH:
one time my class got called down to the office because our class was outstanding (or whatever bs) so we had to say our names. The whole school would hear us. She was infront of me and said her name. I got so nervous and flustered by her that i said HER name instead of mine and then my last name. To this day...i can't recall correcting myself or nervously moving away for the next person. But it was the moment things started to click..
For the rest of the school year i never mentioned anything to her or my parents because frankly...i didn't know what to say. I knew that everytime we played Barbie i wanted to be the bride...but then i also wanted to be the husband. I always asked to hold her hand and now..i feel like i was a creep 😂 but nonetheless...i had this feeling of butterflies prancing inside me and i didn't know how to handle it. I thought of her always
so when i had to move...i was crushed. I felt as though i would never have that feeling again. To this day..my parents still don't know about her. There's no need because now i understand what was happening. But 2nd grade me didn't
what i was happy and proud of myself for at that time was that i wasn't angry at myself for it. I accepted it. If i could see her one more time and just thank her. Thank her for opening a part of me that little me never knew existed. The part that admires girls a little more than friends. Made me notice a little more and made my 2nd grade years one of the best before things went south...
if you made it to the end, thank you for taking the time to read this chapter. i appreciate it deeply and will continue writing in this because it's such a big part of me.
Apologies for any spelling errors, i will come back and correct them shortly.
Love, Kayla
