Requiem for a Soldier (Requiem #1)

Chapter 39: Boreal

"Where do you want these?" He gestures to the potted plants, a motley crew of fruits and veggies still producing food but not quite ready for harvest, my herb garden, and some flowers I planted for fun.

"I'm tired. I'll sort them tomorrow; let's just get them inside for now."

We carry the plants into the greenhouse one by one, placing them in no particular order. Flowers in amongst vegetables mixed with herbs and a couple of fruits thrown in. Tomorrow I'll sort them carefully based on sunlight and temperature needs, but today I just want a hot shower and a warm blanket.

I've just set the last pot on a shelf when I step back and crash into something behind me. I close my eyes as I fall backward, hoping that I don't land on any of the plants but too tired to really care about much beyond that. I feel someone grab me and open my eyes to see that Ryan's caught me. He's probably what I backed into. But that's not really what my mind's focused on as I look up into his crystal blue eyes and feel his arms tighten around me.

This happens so often these days. We're so close - so close - with hardly any space between us. Every time, I think he's about to kiss me. But then he pulls away, or something in his eyes changes and I know the moment is gone. Every time I wait, hoping that maybe this time, this time, he's finally going to kiss me. When he pulled away I used to think he disliked me or there was something wrong with me. But now I'm starting to think maybe that's not it at all.

Do I want him to kiss me? The answer is immediate.Yes. Yes I do. I really, really want Ryan Burke to kiss me.

This is the first time I've admitted it to myself.I want to kiss Ryan Burke. I want him to hold me, keep me safe and stay with me so I'm never alone again. This sudden realization makes me feel almost giddy. I drag my feet back under me and stand upright, our faces closer now.

Ryan's arms don't let go. He still hasn't moved and he hasn't got that look in his eye that means he's about to pull away. I look deep into his eyes and try to telepathically communicate to him kiss me. Kiss me.

I feel myself gently leaning into him. Without even realizing I'm doing it, I tilt my head to the side, just the slightest bit. I breathe in through my nose and catch his scent. Despite the hours of manual labor in the garden, he doesn't smell bad, he just smells... alive, if that makes sense. He smells like the Alaskan wind and the warmth of the sunshine and the richness of the earth we've been churning up in the yard all day. My eyes drop to his mouth.

Suddenly Ryan's arms drop from around me and he actually pushes me away, though not hard. I'm so surprised that I almost lose my balance again. I look back up at him in shock and he's got a similar emotion mirrored in his expression.

"You fall a lot," he says.

I just stare at him.

He quickly steps around me and walks briskly out of the greenhouse, picks up the shovel, and disappears into the shed. He doesn't come out for several minutes.

I take in a deep breath and realize my heart is pounding and my knees feel wobbly. I sink to the ground, right there on the floor of the greenhouse. What was that? One second I was certain I was about to be kissed, the next I was tossed aside like a wilted carrot green onto the compost heap.

I draw my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around my legs. Why did he push me away like that? I can't have been misreading him this whole time, could I? I'd been feeling myself drawn closer and closer to him over the past few months, never able to stamp out that crush. Instead, I just started liking him more and more the better I got to know him. He'd been a little standoffish a few times, but I thought he was warming up to me. I thought he was starting to like me back, maybe a little bit. Was that too much to hope for?

Casper sticks his nose into my face, licking my cheek. I gently push his snout away. "Not now, Casper."

He stares at me, his tail giving a small twitch in the hope that I'll change my mind and show him some affection. I realize I've just brushed off the dog the way Ryan brushed me off. I drop my arms and shift my legs so Casper can sit on my lap. I pull him close and hug the furry creature.

"I'm sorry, Casper," I say into his ear. He squirms around, trying to lick my face again, but settles for licking my arm.

I look back at the shed. What's wrong with that man? Is he really not interested at all? Was I totally misreading him? What's wrong with me?

As I hug Casper, I feel lonely in a way I haven't felt for months. I never stopped missing Mama, Dad, and Julie, but their loss hadn't been as present in my mind since Ryan and I became friends. Now I almost feel like I've lost him too.

I look up at the overcast sky. A cold wind blows again, sending a shiver up my spine. Maybe it's just the weather, or my dark mood after what just happened, but I can't help feeling like something bad is on the horizon.

I catch a less-than-pleasant odor and sniff Casper. He smells like dog, as usual. I zip open my jacket and sniff at my shoulder, then grimace. Today's rigorous activity has not been kind to me. I bark out a self-deprecating laugh. Maybe Ryan pushed me away because of the smell.

Casper jumps up from my lap and nuzzles at my hands, but I've got other plans. If Ryan's going to hide in the shed, I'm going to take the first shower. And I'm not going to feel guilty about it either.

~~~

That night, I lie in bed for a long time before sleep finally comes. I mull over my actions for the past few months and Ryan's reactions. There were so many times he seemed like he felt something for me. Am I just crazy?

Ryan finally came inside at some point during my shower, but didn't so much as glance at me all evening. He made no attempt to respond when I said goodnight. I can't tell if he's purposefully being aloof or if something's bothering him.

As I lie there, definitely over-analyzing every decision I've made in the past week, I see the light under the door flick on. He's still awake too. I listen carefully, but don't hear anything. Silently, I slip out of bed and creep over to the door. I press my ear against the crack and listen again. I hear noises that I recognize as the sound of his gun being stripped and cleaned.

I look over at the clock. Half-past midnight. Something's definitely bothering him. Suddenly I feel a little rush of anger. What right does he have to feel restless after what he did to me today? Then I realize maybe he's feeling guilty for how he treated me. I smirk.Serves you right, jerk.But maybe he just didn't realize he was kinda giving signals he might be interested. Am I the jerk for thinking I deserve affection from him?

I creep back over to the bed and throw myself on it, quietly. I use a pillow to muffle an exasperated sigh. Whether or not I was crazy before, I'm definitely going crazy now. This is exactly the kind of situation I wanted to avoid when I first realized I was crushing on him. The only way I could make this worse is by telling him how I feel and getting rejected.

I sigh again. It's going to be a long night.