anatomy

Chapter 12

Dr. Kishitani waits until they are completely alone, until the last student has left the classroom, before he closes the door. Emilia stands by his desk the whole time, not sure where to look or what to do, until they have their privacy and he is able to tell her what he wants to tell her. He even goes so far as to lock the door behind him before he walks over to her, and pauses for a moment.

Finally, he says, "I can't begin to tell you just how inappropriate it is for me to be alone with a female student in a locked classroom."

"Is this about what happened over fall break?" she asks softly, and Dr. Kishitani pauses again.

"You were incredibly forward, you know," he says, after a moment. "It was surprising, considering how subtle you've tried to be in the past."

Subtle?

Tried ?

She can't think of anything to say, so he continues. "I've sort of pieced your feelings together, you know. I'm...far too interested in you, as much more than a student. At first, it was just as a student. You're more intelligent and enthusiastic than most that I deal with, which I'm sure I told you several times before."

Emilia can't process a word that he's saying; it sounds like he's admitting to having an interest in her, but there's simply no way that could be the case. She may have had foolish hope in the past, but even then, she was rational enough to know that it would never actually happen, so why is he saying things like this to her now? Why is he doing something to indicate that she might have been wrong?

"I was just curious about you at first," he continues. "And then, I pitied you a bit, because of how the girls in the class picked on you, and maybe I showed a little bit of favoritism...after that, it turned into...hm, I suppose fascination is the only word that really works? So I developed a fascination with you, as horrible as that may sound, because you're interesting. And once I figured out you had a crush on me, well...that was what really did me in."

"Figured out?" she asks softly.

"You weren't very subtle, though I know you tried," he says, using those words again. "I've suspected for quite some time now, actually."

"I didn't...I mean, I tried to..."

"I know you tried, Emilia," he replies. "But I figured you out, and that made it pretty much impossible to continue denying my attraction to you. Like I said, that was what did me in. I don't know why I'm telling you all of this, honestly. Perhaps I'm just not able to resist anymore, even though I've managed for a very long time."

At this point, Emilia feels like she's lost the ability to breathe, much less think.

"There is a very large part of me that wants to take advantage of you," he says, his voice low, and she knows she shouldn't be so excited to hear that, but she is. "After all, I know that you're young and naive and you probably think the world of me. It would be pretty easy for me to do, don't you agree?"

"Is it really taking advantage of me, if I...if I..."

"If you want it? You know I could make that point that you're far too young to really know what you want."

"I'm almost eighteen," she protests, and he chuckles.

"Age isn't always the most important factor," he replies. "Eighteen isn't the magic number that makes you ready, you know. I have a lot I could say on that, but I doubt we have the time. The most important thing is that I tell you that we need to cut this off before it starts, but I'm sure you already know that, don't you, Emilia?"

They need to...what?

He wants to...cut things off?

She's already so thrown off balance that it's hard for her to process any of this, but this throws her even further off balance. They need to cut things off? He doesn't want anything else to happen? But then what was the point of telling her all this? Why couldn't they have just continued as they were, with him pretending not to know? She doesn't know what to think about all of this, or what to say to him, or how she is supposed to act in a situation like this.

There is a long silence where she stares at him, unable to think of what to say to him, and he stares back (she assumes), waiting for the response that she can't come up with. She doesn't want to agree with him, and she doesn't want to cut things off before they begin- she wants them to begin. And if she doesn't convince him of that now, then she's going to lose her chance forever, and he'll just keep thinking she's a naive child who doesn't really know what she wants.

Maybe she is, she thinks for a moment, but she decides then that she doesn't care. If this isn't what she really wants, and if this is just a mistake she's making because she's young, she'd rather make that mistake now, then never know what could have happened. She could have accepted never having a chance with him, but she can't accept losing a chance when he's admitted to being interested in her.

"You can't tell me all this and then expect me to back off," she says at last. "Whether you think I'm too naive or not, that doesn't change the fact that I want this, and that you've admitted that you do too. Maybe I don't know what I want, but I know exactly who I should report this to, if you make me."

She doesn't realize just how far she's going until she's already said it; she never knew she had the capacity to be that manipulative, but when she has what she wants right in front of her, she'll be damned if she lets it go without a fight. Somehow, when Dr. Kishitani begins to chuckle, she knows that she's won.

"You're an ambitious one, Emilia, I'll give you that," he says. "You'll probably never have trouble going for what you want in life."

"Meet me at that restaurant," she says. "The one where we met over fall break, where you ate outside. We can't leave the school together, so I'll be waiting for you there."

She doesn't wait for him to say anything, and he doesn't stop her on her way out the door, not even in the time it takes for her to unlock it or leave. There's no way of knowing whether or not she's really won yet, but she hurries to that place, to wait for him, unsure of what she will do if he decides to call her bluff and reject her for good.

But she only waits for about ten minutes before he climbs out of a taxi across the street. When he reaches her, he says, "I don't live far from here, and my son won't be home. He rarely ever is. Would you like to pay me a visit?"