Not Heaven Without Him

Not Heaven Without Him (21)

I know its been ages, and I know its not a lot, but I just felt temporarily inspired to write some. And then I realized I need to go to sleep so I stopped. Sorries. Hope its okay though.

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Living a dream was never something I wanted. I always wanted adventure. I wanted reality. I wanted something solid. How do I know this? I don't. It just comes to me, like a whim as I lie in my cloud soft bed thinking about Justis and kissing. I know now that I never wanted to have my head in the clouds, never knowing what's truly going on, having no power over anything, just loving things as they came to me, but I also know that that's exactly what I'm doing with Justis and that that's exactly what I want.

I still can't seem to get Jayden Rex out of my head completely, can't seem to pull him from the back of my mind, but I'm completely drunk on Justis. I don't like to think about Jayden Rex though. He makes me feel dirty, but in a good way. He makes me feel longing, wonder, love, and a pounding burning lust. Those things are frown upon in Heaven. Did the bible not state that greed and lust are two of the worst things imaginable? So am I not unworthy of being here by lusting for Jayden Rex and wanting him when I already have Justis?

It's a hard truth, living. But am I even living? I'm dead, am I not? I haven't been living for years. This world is nothing but sheer confusion.

But I'm kinda happy with it that way.                                                                        

I love Justis, I realize this now. I really do. It's painful to think about, and makes me scared, but I'd do just about anything he asked of me. I'd be his little human slave if he wanted me to be. Not that I think he'd ever ask that of me. That's not something a Heavenly being would do, now is it?