Tempus

Bleak

"Parang something's different with him", Bea said pertaining to me while standing next to Mama Lou.

Mama Lou paused, stared at me and responded, "hmmm parang 'di naman".

"Well he looks restless", Bea replied

"He did extra training kanina eh. Why are you here pala?", Mama Lou said shifting her gaze to Bea

Bea subconsciously fixed her hair and said "AJ and I wanted to eat out with Ate Beth but she's busy pala."

"AJ? You two are close?", Mama Lou replied applying more pressure to my legs even to my heart.

"Yeah we are, just recently and I'm enjoying his company", Bea said and she sounded so relaxed.

I wonder if Bea truly enjoys my company before. Maybe I was suffocating her and she's just kind enough not to shoo me away or maybe she was pushing me away but i'm just too insensitive to get the message. When Bea left I immediately changed my position and had a deep sigh to release the heaviness I'm feeling. Mama Lou looked at me with a sad smile and asked me if I want to have a quick starbucks run. She's really trying to cheer me up but I politely declined, telling her that I wanna go home to have some rest. This is my loneliness and I will not bother her with my messed up feelings, she has important stuff to do. I don't wanna bother anyone but I am not really okay right now so i decided to leave Moro without looking at any people in the room. I was on my way to my car when I bumped into my teammates (Raffy, Gian, BJ, and Ange).

"Uy Thirds, sama ka samin mag bowling away sumama ni Ange eh", BJ said while pointing to Ange.

"Oo nga kulang kami eh there's a barkada promo we need 4", Gian added.

"Guys pass I'm going home eh, I'm not feeling well", I replied

"Oh okay Thirds see you in training", Raffy said and the four all walked away

I went inside my car and just laughed and shook my head. Lately, I've been having a hard time trying to convince myself that my friends actually like me and they like to spend time with me. I think they see me as a last choice like I'm back up plan when the better friends are not available. It gets more difficult when they show me that my thoughts are right.

Bakit ba bumalik na naman ako sa ganito, okay naman ako yesterday morning eh.

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Whoever said that exercise makes you sleep better has clearly never experienced a heartbreak. The afternoon training was too strenuous but here I am at 1 in the morning, staring at my ceiling. What happened in my GGv guesting kept reappearing to my thoughts. Her body language when she saw me, it's like im the most hassle person in the world. I saw how she cringed when my name was mentioned by Vice Ganda and that's when I felt that I am not worthy of anything. I try so hard to work on myself and to be better in every aspect of my life but it took just one gesture to break all of it, at feeling ko basura na ulit ako.The worst part is when she denied that we are dating with so much conviction. At that very moment nag flashback lahat ng nangyari recently between us.

The night of her championship, I didn't go inside Gesu during the mass because she didn't want me to. Sabi nya baka daw maiyak sya pag nakita nya ako. Of course I just waited outside because I thought that what she meant was that I remind her of all the hurdles she went through this season kasi I was always by her side during those times. Even though gustong gusto ko na syang yakapin ng matagal to congratulate her and to make her feel that im proud of her I still decided na mag stay sa labas. But when the event ended, while I was walking towards the entrance, I saw that Jules introduced AJ to her, and how comfortably Bea entertained AJ. Napaisip ako kasi parang she let her guard down so easily with him but I shrugged the thought off. Everything happened so fast that night, the next thing I saw was that Bea was leaning to AJ's shoulder while sitting at the side of the pool. I just got back from the living room that time kasi tita Det talked to me. Pero di ko na sila nilapitan kasi I don't want to ruin their moment. The next day I asked her if she wanna eat but she declined telling me that she already made plans then I saw her with AJ and Maddy in UP Town. Nabother na ako kasi AJ and Bea instantly got close, knowing Bea, she doesn't accept anyone in her life easily. But I didn't talk to her about it kasi I'm in no position to pry on her social life. 

While Vice ganda was talking to her nagkaroon ako ng eureka moment. Narealize ko na hindi naman namemeasure ng tagal ng pinagsamahan yung pagiging ready to be in a relationship kasi when you know, you know.

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The following days, those two were still hanging out, even during the bonfire. I witnessed how AJ put his arm around her waist and how Bea just allowed it, how AJ's super close to her tapos parang Bea didn't mind at all. For my case it took me months of friendship for her to allow me to be close to her and by close I mean putting my arms around her shoulder and waist close. By observing her with him, mukha naman ready sya to accept what AJ has to offer even if it is romantic. But with me, parang never syang naging ready.

I realized that Bea must've really like AJ, and masyado ko na pinagpipilitan yung sarili ko to her. Akala ko there's something special between us, akala ko we just have to find the right timing. We helped each other through anxious days. But I guess somewhere along the way, she got tired of me. It's okay, everyone does.

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