Dear Diary

DD #1

I don't wanna reveal personal details about me such as my name,country,etc.

I'm not good at English so pardon me alright!

Some Little Things bout me here :-

✔18 years old

✔Multi♥

✔ Female/Bi/half-atheist?

✔ Name Starts with I

__________________

09/06/2019

Me and my family are moving into our own country again on 18/06/19.
I lived in Country B for almost 18 years and now I'm going to study college in my own country.

The reason why we are shifting is that my father lost his job and my mom is a teacher and she is facing some troubles in her job plus I finished schooling.

We came to this decision, 3 months ago. And since then I started cherishing every moment I am going to spend in this country. I am kind of excited going back to my own country because believe it or not, I don't know any single thing about it except it's national anthem and it's ruler's name.

This is because I moved to the country B when I was 6 years old. I went to my own country like for 15 days in my entire life. Yeah I know that's sad.

We are suffering financially and my mom always fights with her and my dad's relatives. My dad also fights with her a lot.

I can see my family falling apart but I can't do anything. I don't have the strength to come in between my parents conversation. I am scared that whether my father will beat my mom or me up. Or my mom would beat me.
They always fight with each other and tbh I had never seen them speaking lovingly to each other since my birth. They always throw insults at each other and they always force me to pick sides.

At this rate, I know I shouldn't be saying this. But I really hope they get divorced. I really can't take it. If they get divorced I would go with my mom. Because my dad is the most selfish person you'll ever see. I'm not saying my mom is really good either. My mom, you see, she is always spread rumours about others. She judges people quickly by their appearance. She hates successful women. She wants me to be a very brave person.

And about my appearance. I am fat. I weigh 110 kg. I tried reducing it many times. I used to watch kpop RPD and dance with them. I am still trying my best to reduce my weight. But the thing is my parents don't support me. They think by making fun of my fat appearance they can make me reduce weight. But no, Doesn't it hurt when your parents bully you?

My mom currently is trying her best to make me reduce weight because the country I came from judges people by their appearance a lot. I have seen on TV and Dramas they always take about physical appearance. 

So yeah anyway, back to the shifting part. We finished packing many things. I don't wanna leave this home. I have my own room here. My family don't have a property or any ancestry things. When we go back to my country, we are going to live in my cousin's house for some months until my father gets a job and Mom too.

I honestly love my room a lot. I have a separate 55 inches TV which we sold two days ago :( , A beautiful table with a place for placing my HP laptop. I have a own clothes cupboard and bookshelf. My family was doing well in this country till 2014. That's when my father first lost his job. My father lost his job almost 4 times. And there were situations were we couldn't pay rent and had to sell things. But luckily we survived for 5 more years. Right now we are suffering again but it's gonna be the last since we are shifting.

My entire childhood was in this country B. And it hurts to leave the country and go to a place I'm unfamiliar with. I am the type of person that once gets attached to something, I can never leave that something. I am horrible at adjusting in new environment. And more than "environment" you can say "people".

I am scared of people because I feel like they are always judging me because I'm fat. I hate the looks people throw in my way. My parents are too embarrassed by me. My friends some times make jokes about my appearance and I pretend as if it's just a joke. But honestly I cry a lot when I come home. I am so self conscious about everything. Even while walking I avoid eye contact with people. I hate waiting in line at market. I hate going to restaurants. I hate singing or dancing in public. I hate going anywhere outside my home. I'm insecure about leaving my home.

This is why I don't want to shift. It's better be in a place you live even though you are hated than to be in a place you don't have a clue about?

That's all for today. I'll write more later.