The REAL Homestuck Epilogues

Meat (6)

DAVE: karbro
DAVE: kit-kat
DAVE: karkitty
DAVE: karkles
DAVE: kat-nip
DAVE: karka-
KARKAT: OH MY GOG SHUT YOUR FUCKING TRAP

karkat, yet again, has succumbed to the tragic fate of television binging. his round, yellow eyes are transfixed on the rectangular screen and what is on it. RUMBLE IN DA PUMPKIN PATCH was somehow still running, even though it was pretty obvious that jake was winning the battle. dirk is on the floor, and if dave is being honest, he looks like shit. in a can. 

dirk looks like shit in a can.

DAVE: karkat can you pry your eyes away from jakes ass for one second please
KARKAT: I ALREADY TOLD YOU EARLIER, DAVE,
KARKAT: YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHO'S ASSES I CAN AND CAN'T OGLE OVER.
KARKAT: I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO ADMIRE JAKE'S ASS AND YOU CAN'T FUCKING STOP ME.

dave sneaks an annoyed glance at the television screen yet again. nothing seemed to be happening other than jake's ass show, so dave not so secretively stands up, walks over to the television, and pulls out the power cord. 

KARKAT: DAVE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
KARKAT: YOU IDIOTIC DEGENERATE, I WAS WATCHING THAT!
DAVE: in case you havent noticed youve been watching that all day
DAVE: everyday
DAVE: for the past few weeks
KARKAT: AND?
KARKAT: IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO STOP ME FROM WASTING AWAY BEFORE.
DAVE: have you forgotten our plan already?
KARKAT: NO.
KARKAT: I HAVEN'T.
KARKAT: IT'S JUST THAT WITH YOU "TAKING CARE OF THINGS," I STILL HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO. I'M NOT A FUCKING REPLICA OF YOUR OBAMA PERSON, DAVE. I'M NOT GOOD AT SPEAKING, PERSUADING, OR EVEN BEING A LIKABLE PERSON.
KARKAT: SO WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,
KARKAT: WITHOUT YOU,
KARKAT: OUR PLAN IS SHIT.
DAVE: dude thats not true
DAVE: you are the absolute maestro of success
DAVE: youre always shitting about how you cancer-ed our last universe and put a curse on all of us but dude that curse kind of helped out
KARKAT: HOW IN THE EVER LIVING FUCK WOULD THAT CURSE EVER HELP OUT?
KARKAT: EVER?
DAVE: well for one you beat the luckiest being alive
DAVE: and i guess 
DAVE: bare with me this is kind of morbid
DAVE: we all kind of had to grow up once our guardians left
DAVE: learn to do shit for ourselves

dave sits beside karkat on the couch, his weight putting a dip in between them, making their arms touch. it's hard for him to see from the sudden darkness in the room, so he takes off his beloved shades. it's always a surprise whenever he does that. it usually only happens when he wants to make a point. being semi-nocturnal and accustomed to the dark, karkat could see, very clearly, dave's red eyes. it was always questionable as to whether or not they were natural, but seeing as how dave was manifested through ectobiology, the question itself never bounced around very often. 

DAVE: and its not just your curse that helped us out
DAVE: dont forget that youre practically a god too
KARKAT: CUT THE SHIT, STRIDER.
KARKAT: I'M NOT AN IMBECILE. YOU HUMANS ARE PLAINLY, AND OBVIOUSLY, MORE POPULAR AND IMPORTANT THAN US TROLLS.
KARKAT: ONLY VRISKA WENT GODTIER.
KARKAT: I CAN'T FLY,
KARKAT: I MESS UP EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION I HAVE BY SPEWING OUT SOME KIND OF RANDOM, IRRELEVANT BULLSHIT, AND I'M JUST LUCKY THAT YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO PUT UP WITH IT!
DAVE: aw cmon thats not true
DAVE: remember when you and tz were a thing
KARKAT: I'D RATHER NOT-
DAVE: well just for right now remember
DAVE: she put up with your random irrelevant bullshit
DAVE: so did that sollux guy
DAVE: and i guess all of those other trolls i never had the chance to meet
DAVE: but if i did meet them, im pretty sure they would tell me that youre a pretty cool as shit dude.
KARKAT: IF THEY'RE NOT FED UP WITH BEING DEAD. 
DAVE: oof
DAVE: you have a point there

karkat savors dave's words.

KARKAT: HEY. 

he tries to meet dave's eyes, but karkat can't bear to hold the eye contact for long. looking at dave is like staring straight into the sun. you know you can't, but that doesn't stop you from wanting to. from longing to. the sun is beautiful.